New Beginnings
by Lorelei Eve
Summary: When Bella finds herself unable to commit to an eternity of darkness she decides her life must take a different path. She has to make decisions about what happens next. B/J AU Lemons! Will get darker.
1. Escape

Chapter 1: Escape

I woke up to an unusually sunny day. It seemed a good omen. I was surprised I fell asleep at all last night with all of the anticipation. After being married to Edward for two months today was to be the day I would finally be changed. We spent two weeks following the wedding on a private island somewhere off the coast of South America being newlyweds before returning to the Cullen house in Forks to prepare for our more permanent move to an isolated house in northern Alaska. No one was certain how the transformation would effect me, seeing as I was going into it willingly, but it was better to be safe than sorry. I didn't want the guilt of a newborn slip up on my mind. That slip up would be a human life and that did not sit well with me.

I had spent as much time as I could with Charlie before the week before the big move. I made sure I had dinner on the table every night for him and sometimes even dropped in for his lunch hour. He would grumble under his breath that I was married and had a husband to cook for but seemed to appreciate the meal nonetheless. He started getting suspicious when I showed up with two tickets for the Seattle Seahawks game against the New England Patriots. I adamantly told him that the Seahawks were having a rebuilding year and it would be interesting to see how they faired against the Patriots. He looked at me like I had two heads. I just wanted to make sure he had good memories of the time he spent with me.

When I finally told Charlie that we were moving, he didn't seem surprised. The day we left Forks he came out to the Cullen house. Tears welled up in my eyes standing in the driveway staring at my father, knowing this would be the last time I'd ever see him again. Charlie broke the silence not taking his glistening eyes off me "Edward you take care of my little girl, you hear."

I grinned, my cheeks flushed, embarrassed, "Dad I'm married; I'm not a little girl anymore."

"Of course you are Bella. You always will be, don't forget that." He moved towards me and wrapped his arms around me. I couldn't remember ever being held by my father like that. Charlie wasn't one for many words and he definitely was not the affectionate fatherly type. His sudden display of affection caught me off guard and the tears that had been welling up behind my lids flowed freely. After a few moments we broke apart and he extended his hand to Edward.

Edward stepped forward to Charlie and said "Don't worry Charlie. I promise I will protect Bella with my life. I will give her all the happiness in the world." The two quickly shook hands and locked eyes. Charlie knew that Edward would keep his promise. Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we walked to his silver Volvo. He held the car door open for me and I climbed in. As we pulled away I watched my father disappear behind us, one hand in his front jean pocket and the other held high waving goodbye. I cried the entire way to the airport.

That parting moment was weighing heavily on my mind as I woke up. I was excited and nervous about being changed. From what had been told to me by my family, I knew that it would be excruciatingly painful. Even with a week to get used to the idea, I couldn't shake the pain of the thought of leaving Charlie for good. It was weighing heavily on my mind and I wasn't convinced that the pain of leaving my family and friends behind was easier than the pain I would experience while I was changing.

I came down the stairs from the room I shared with Edward to find my family engaging in various activities throughout the house. Edward was sitting at his piano playing a song I didn't recognize. I nuzzled up to him and laid my head on his shoulder. I love listening to Edward play, like everything, he was perfect at it. He continued to play and I was so lost in his music I didn't hear Alice dance up behind us.

"Good morning Bella! Oh geeze, I hope you aren't planning to start eternity in _that_. I hope your fashion sense improves. Come on, let me get you ready." Alice said as she eyed my old grey sweat pants and tattered t-shirt.

She managed to fill my new closet full of "acceptable" clothes but I had been less than cooperative about wearing them. It was embarrassing to even look at the drawer full of lacy sleep wear, I couldn't bring myself to wear it, especially if there was a chance Emmett would be around. The teasing would be unbearable. I'd never hear the end of it. I looked up at Edward, "It'll be easier if I just let her do it, won't it?"

He chuckled, his beautiful crooked grin lighting up his golden eyes. He still dazzles me with the simplest things. "Well, I could always take her out of the picture. She is unbelievably annoying. But I'm afraid your brother-in-law Jasper might have something to say about it. There might be a family feud."

"Ugh. Fine. Twenty minutes Alice, that's it." I gave Edward a kiss and grudgingly followed her back up the stairs to the torture room, salon Alice.

"You know Bella, you might as well get used to this. I'm not planning on letting you run around for eternity wearing old sweats. You're a Cullen now, there's a look policy that goes along with that."

"Hm, seems like I missed the part of my vows that said 'I vow to seek Alice's approval on all fashion and fashion matters.' It must have been in the fine print."

"It was snuck in quietly. Apparently only the vampires heard." She continued to primp and press, humming quietly to herself. She appeared to be focused at the task at hand but I could feel her eyes watching me carefully. She broke the silence "Bella is everything alright? You don't seem yourself. I mean you typically tune me out when I play Bella Barbie, but this is different. I'm your best friend, you can tell me anything."

I met her eyes in the mirror. She seemed genuinely concerned. And she was right, she is my best friend, I should be able to talk to her. I almost felt like I was an inmate on death row seeking counsel from a priest in my final hours. This was my one chance for confession. I didn't want to walk willingly to my mortal death with something weighing so heavily on my mind. I let out a sigh, "Yeah, I suppose I just have a lot on my mind. I'm really missing Charlie, you know? I can't shake the idea that I will never see him again. Eventually I may be able to talk to him on the phone but... I just got my father back."

Her face fell ever so slightly. "I was afraid of this. I didn't say anything to Edward but I saw this coming. You've already made your mind up about this subject, I just don't think you know it yet. You need to be making this decision for the right reasons Bella. Being with Edward forever might not be enough. You have a choice, none of us did."

Hearing that from Alice, I knew she was right. It was so much harder to hear it from Alice. Rosalie I would expect this from. She had been opposed to this idea from the very beginning. I never thought I'd see things from her point of view. And it wasn't just Charlie, it was Jacob, Angela, Ben, Jessica, heck even Mike Newton. They would grow, change, get to have experiences that I hadn't even considered wanting to have. I couldn't be there to share it with them. I couldn't even live vicariously through them. I would become something that had to be hidden from society, dangerous even. That thought made me feel like a caged animal. It had been sitting heavy on my heart since we drove away from Forks. I was not having second thoughts about Edward or his family. I loved them all dearly. I also loved my family. I was foolish to think that I could walk away from all of that.

I had started crying freely at this point, ruining all of Alice's hard work. She didn't even seem upset. Her face was tense, clenching her jaw together tightly, if she were capable of tears I think she would have been silently crying. She put her arms around me and whispered in my ear "You need to tell him. I'll be waiting for you in the garage. Don't worry, no one is going to be upset at you for this. You are doing what is best for you."

I pulled away from her suddenly. Had that been my decision? Was I going to walk away from a marriage and a family I had only been a part of for a few short months? The idea of it made me sick to my stomach and caused me to cry harder. How could I walk out on Edward? How could I put him through what he had done to me?

A voice in my head answered, _because he left you, because you value your humanity, because this is wrong for you. _

I shook my head. That's just silly. I married him, I committed to forever. I meant my vows when I said them.

The voice countered back, _forever means different things to you than it does to Edward_.

Why am I doing this now? Now of all days? _Because it's not too late_.

Just then I heard the vibrating of cell phone on Alice's bathroom counter. I stared at it. The screen said there was an incoming call from Charlie. That did it. Not that I loved my father more than my husband. I will always love Edward most. I just wasn't ready for this yet.

I answered "Hi dad."

Charlie's voice answered "Bella? I thought I was calling Alice. She left me a message telling me to call her back. Well this is a pleasant surprise."

That was the sign I needed. Or maybe Alice had purposely planned. Clearly she knew something I didn't and I wasn't about to start betting against her now.

"Yeah dad it's great to hear from you. I'll tell Alice you called, she's busy at the moment. Hey dad, do you think it'd be ok if I came home for a visit for a few days? Just me?" My voice still sounded heavy, I hoped that he wouldn't notice I had been crying.

"Of course kiddo. That's not a problem. I'll just tell Billy that we'll have to postpone the fishing trip. The weather isn't suppose to be all that great anyway." Thankfully Charlie is blissfully unaware of most things concerning women and emotions.

"Ok, I'll call you and let you know when to pick me up." I said goodbye and hung up the phone. I felt numb. Had those words actually come out of my mouth? I thought about it for a minute. I didn't say I was leaving Edward. All I had said is that I wanted to visit home by myself. That's perfectly acceptable for a married woman to do, right? _Of course _the voice in my head answered back smugly. Ugh, clearly I'm not sane enough to be making these decisions right now. I'm talking to myself. I guess that was the easy part though, I still had to talk to Edward....

I managed to pull myself together. Thank goodness for waterproof makeup, I wasn't nearly as much of a train wreck as I thought I was. I got up and walked to the door, taking a deep breath and opening it slowly.

I jumped. Edward was leaning up against the door frame, his eyes closed and pinching the bridge of his nose. Clearly Alice was not as good at keeping Edward out of her head as she thought she was. He didn't look angry, but rather defeated and hollow.

I had to say something but the words just wouldn't find their way out of my mouth. I stood there for a few moments my mouth moving wordlessly when he held his hand up to stop me. His golden eyes bore straight into mine. I could see the pain in them and my heart shattered.

Edward reached out and touched my cheek, "I heard Alice. In fact, I think it was intentional, she seemed to want to give you a break. Bella I love you with all of my existence but if this life is not something you are ready for all you had to do is say something. I would never change you if I wasn't certain it was what you wanted. I would never damn you to this existence only to have you resent me for it. I vowed to love, honor, and protect you. I never vowed to change you. I love you just the way you are. If you can only give me a human lifetime, I will gladly take it. If you need space I want you to have it. Just remember you walk out that door with my heart. I hope you bring it back..." His voice broke and he lapsed into silence. His face was that of a tortured man.

I threw myself into his arms and began a fresh bout of sobbing all over again. I reached up to his face and began kissing every inch I could reach. Uncharacteristically he let me. I was trying to convey that I loved him with all of my heart, that would never change. I could only hope that he would receive the message. "Edward I love you. Don't think this is about me not loving you. I said my vows and I meant them. I just need some time to myself."

He took my hands in his and kissed them both. "Love, she's waiting for you in the car. Whenever you are ready to come back I'll be here. I'll always be here. I'll wait forever."

I gave him one last kiss and tore myself away before I was unable to. I kept my head down, tears flowing freely, as I dashed through the house hoping to avoid curious eyes. I flung myself into the passenger seat of the Jeep next to Alice and she pulled away.


	2. Return

Chapter 2: Return

_He took my hands in his and kissed them both. "Love, she's waiting for you in the car. Whenever you are ready to come back I'll be here. I'll always be here. I'll wait forever."_

_I gave him one last kiss and tore myself away before I was unable to. I kept my head down, tears flowing freely, as I dashed through the house hoping to avoid curious eyes. I flung myself into the passenger seat of the Jeep next to Alice and she pulled away._

It was a 2 hour drive in vampire driving speed to the airport in Juno and we spent the majority of the trip in silence. I eventually stopped crying. The further we drove from the Cullen house, the more weight seemed to be lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't feeling better about my decision, it was a gradual numbing of my senses. It wasn't the same feeling of loss I experienced when Edward left me and I attributed that to the fact that there was no permanence in me walking away. It was pacifying me for the moment so I'm going with it. I wasn't being crushed in the darkness in his absence which I hadn't expected. It both felt liberating and frightening.

We passed a sign that read 30 miles to the airport and Alice finally broke the silence, "I've been sitting here trying to figure out what to say to you. This is something you need to figure out for yourself. You already know what you're going to do, you just need to admit it to yourself. Don't let breaking his heart or feeling like we'll hate you have an effect on your decision. You'll always be my sister."

I just nodded my head in response. I hated that she already knew what I was going to do. I hadn't made a definite decision had I?

"Why don't you call Charlie? Tell him to pick you up in Port Angeles at 7 pm tonight. It'll work out well, he wanted to have an excuse to leave work early today anyway." She said.

I quietly began, "Thank you for this Alice. Thank you for understanding and not lecturing me. I just..."

Alice interjected, "Oh I"m not saying I understand it, not entirely anyway. I don't remember what it was like being human, so the whole things seems a bit odd to me. But you're my sister, if something is eating you up inside, clearly something needs to change." She handed me her cell phone already dialing Charlie's number. I told him when my flight would be getting in and he promised to be there. I was thankful he wasn't going to be sending any of the Quileute boys to get me, I wasn't in the mood to deal with that yet.

Too quickly we were parked off to the side of the road in front of the airport. I took a deep breath and climbed out of the car. Alice was already standing there in front of me with two large bags and my ticket information clutched in her hands. She set them down and enveloped me in a hug. I hugged her back and couldn't help but feel like this was goodbye. It hadn't felt like it with Edward.

I pulled back and we just looked at each other. I picked up my bags and walked into the airport feeling as if I had both lost and gained something. I didn't know how to begin to make sense of that.

The plane ride was a blur to me. I kept trying to pinpoint in my head why exactly I didn't want to be changed. I loved Edward, I didn't doubt that. Lord knows I love that boy. The thought of his crooked smile and golden eyes staring at me like I was the only thing that mattered in the world made my heart skip a beat. So I could check that off the list. It wasn't Edward. Well... it wasn't loving Edward. Did I love him more than anything else? I had chosen him over Jacob, even though it crushed us both. That hadn't been an easy choice but I made it. Did I love him more than my humanity? I was getting hung up on that question. I never felt the desire to have children, so unlike Rosalie, I wouldn't be missing out on anything there. Eh, I could give or take college. It's not like I wouldn't have the chance to go back and experience it in a few years. I'd be fine if I never had grey hair. Nope, growing old isn't it.

The Captain came on overhead asking us to fasten our seatbelts as we were approaching our final destination. I snapped out of my internal conversation and began to focus on what I'd tell Charlie. What would he think? I just hoping he wouldn't think I was doing to Edward what Rene had done to him.

He met me outside of my terminal with a smile. He took my bags and loaded them into the back of the cruiser. I felt a sense of deja vu. The last time I was on my back to Forks from the airport in this cruiser big things happened and it changed my life. I can't help but wonder what could possibly happen this time. Maybe I'll wake up from this dream and find out there are no such things as vampires and werewolves. Silly Bella...

Charlie and I actually had a conversation the majority of the way back to Forks. He typically isn't a man of many words but the time we spent together before I moved to Alaska seemed to have open some doors in our relationship. The conversation was centered around the upcoming Seahawks game and the devastating loss the Patriot's had last week to the Jets. I smiled inwardly that I could actually contribute. Apparently I'm not as adverse to sports as I had previously thought. The atmosphere of a stadium can certainly make the game seem more interesting. I was even excited at the idea that Billy and Jake wanted to come over on Sunday to watch the game with Charlie and I. I began putting together a grocery list in my head. I'm sure Charlie hasn't been in two weeks and Jake can sure eat.

In no time at all we pulled up to the house. I smiled, I felt like I was home. Charlie took my bags up to my old room, completely untouched since I had left, and left me to my thoughts. I noticed the pizza box on the kitchen table and didn't feel guilty about not making dinner. There was always tomorrow for that anyway.

I waited all day for the weight of what I had just done to come crashing down on me. I walked out on my husband today. This is something Rene does, not me. I must be going crazy. It was still early, only 9:00 but I was tired. Emotionally drained I suppose. I got ready for bed and crawled under the covers. I kept waiting for the panic attack to happen, for the tears to start to fall. I didn't expect to fall asleep so easily. I hadn't fallen asleep without Edward's cool arms around me in two months. For the first time in a long time I craved warmth. I expected to wake up screaming in the middle of the night. The screams never came, neither did the dreams. I had a great night's sleep.

A/N: Yes I know it's short. I'm still trying to just get the story to where I actually want to write it. We're getting closer. If it was too rushed please tell me, I'll gladly fix it. Hopefully I haven't scared you away yet. I actually might upload something else tonight.


	3. Choice

Chapter 3: Choice

The next few days at Charlie's house passed without incident. I expected to wake up in the middle of the night horrified with what I had done, but that didn't happen. I also expected a call from Edward but received none. Then I remembered Alice would be able to tell him that I was alright and when I would be ready to talk to him. I was thankful for the distance and space to think, though I hadn't done a whole lot of thinking. I settled back into life in Forks with ease, like I had never left. The time in Forks before I met Edward was a less than pleasant time. He was my break in the clouds here. Now that I am here without him I expected the clouds to return. Turns out, it is just as sunny in Forks with Edward as it is without him. I was a little scared; no sane person would be able to just come back like nothing happened. It was like the last year of my life was simply erased. I must still be numb.

Sunday morning I woke up at 8. Billy and Jacob would be coming over for the game at noon and I wanted to have the house clean, food on the table, and to look presentable. I hadn't cared what I looked like before but I didn't want to present the front that I was home because of a ruined marriage and look the part.

I showered in the bathroom I shared with Charlie. I was vaguely comparing the small space to the vast, luxurious bathroom I had to myself back in Alaska. Everything in Forks seemed so simple and easy compared to with the Cullens. Everyone had a part in Forks, I wasn't sure what mine was.

Alice saved the day by packing only "appropriate" clothes. I settled for a pair of dark skinny jeans, silver flats, and a dark navy off the shoulder top that was tight at the waist. I found Charlie at the kitchen table drinking his coffee and reading the newspaper.

"Good morning Bells. Have a good night?" Charlie said looking up from the sports section.

"Morning Dad. Yes I did, surprisingly. I'm going to get some stuff together for when the Blacks come over. I figured I'd try to recreate the stadium food."

"That sounds perfect. I'll take this to the den and let you to it." Charlie said as he picked up his coffee and left the kitchen. I'm so glad he doesn't feel the need to hover or watch. Cooking is therapeutic when I don't have an audience.

I gathered the ingredients for Chili, hot dogs, nachos with the appropriate amount of vegetables that they won't notice it's actually healthy, and of course put a new 12 pack in the fridge to cool. On second thought, I grabbed one and opened it. I was married, not 21, but I figured I would be old enough for a drink. For some reason I was starting to get nervous about seeing the Blacks. It was no secret that neither Billy or Jacob was a huge fan of Edward and his family. I half expected them to want to celebrate, I wasn't sure I was ready to deal with that. After all, when is it a cause for celebration when someone decides to have a trial separation after being married only two months.

Trial separation is what I had been calling the arrangement in my head. I hadn't said anything to Charlie other than I missed Forks and Alaska was too cold for my tastes. He laughed and told me I'd better get used to it seeing as it was only September. I hadn't even stuck it out through the winter yet. I cringed inwardly, it wasn't the cold climate in Alaska that scared me. It was the permanent cold I could become.

I am fairly certain that if... when....yes when I go back to Alaska I will be doing it as a human for quite a while. Married life as a human with a vampire wasn't nearly as difficult as Edward had made it seem like it would be. We managed to actually _enjoy _our honeymoon, well I did very enthusiastically in fact. I missed being held and touched by Edward horribly. When he did touch me, it was always cautiously but it was still enough to drive me absolutely crazy. Since returning to Alaska, we hadn't expressed our love for each other physically as much as we had on our honeymoon. His cool lips on my skin was a drink of cool water on the tropic island, however in Alaska it wasn't nearly as pleasant. Part of the reason I had finally set a date for the change was because I was tired of not getting to make love to my husband. Edward seemed indifferent, telling me being with me physically wasn't nearly as important to him as my happiness. It was just a perk to him that at the time, my happiness and being physically with me went hand in hand. When I went back we'd just have to turn the heat up in the house.

By 11:45 I had everything put together with enough food for twenty set up buffet style on the kitchen table. Charlie had already been in a few times to sample things, giving it the final stamp of approval. I sat down on the couch and waited.

Two minutes until noon I heard the Rabbit in the gravel driveway and my heart began to go into overdrive. Well this is it, whatever they have to say is just going to be said. I took a few calming breaths, trying to slow my system down to a normal pace.

Jacob hadn't even bothered knocking and just appeared through the doorway with Billy. As soon as the old man had four wheels firmly on the ground Jacob strode over and engulfed me in a bear tight Jacob hug. I enthusiastically returned the jester.

"Bells, I'm so glad to see you. You smell great" Jacob said laughing at me. I couldn't help but giggle. He was referring to the absent of 'leech sent'.

"I'm glad to see you too Jake. I wasn't sure I ever would again. Who told you I was back?" I said. My cheeks hurt, I couldn't stop smiling, how nice the sun felt.

"Well the day you called to tell Charlie he got on the phone with Billy. Somehow through the grapevine of the pack mind I heard and came back. I had been wondering since the wedding. I was somewhere in Canada, I think." Jake said sheepishly. Of course Billy would have told someone in the pack, most likely Seth. Charlie and Billy gossiped like old women. I'm afraid it's only gotten worse with age.

"Well let's to get something to eat before our fathers' take everything. I made a whole bunch of stuff and put it out on the table. You know, set the mood for the game." Jake started laughing. It was a deep, full belly laugh. I haven't seen Jacob laugh like that in I don't know how long.

"Bells, since when do you care what is going on with the game or about setting the mood? I didn't know you knew what the mood of any sporting event was. Who are you and what have you done with my Bella?" Jacob said, his eyes still sparkling. I hadn't really noticed it before but his dark eyes really were beautiful. They could rival Edward's golden ones when Jake was happy.

"I'll have you know Jacob Black I went to a football game. And understood it. And _liked _it." I said defiantly. This set off a whole new round of laughter.

From the living room Billy called out "Hey keep it down in there. Some of us actually want to watch the game. Come sit down or take it outside."

I answered back, "It's nice to see you too, Billy. Who said I don't want to watch? What do you think Jake, shall we go impress your father with my football knowledge?" Billy's laugh, so very much like Jacob's echoed from the living room.

Jake's eyes were dancing, a perfect contrast to his russet skin. "We certainly could, I'd actually pay to see that. How about we go for a walk and save you the embarrassment."

I thought about protesting and telling him we were going to watch that damn game but the idea of getting to talk to Jacob was enticing. "Fine, lets go for a walk. Lead the way. Shall I grab your leash? I'm pretty sure Forks has laws about pets you know."

"You've spent too much time with your in laws." He said shaking his head.

We walked out the front door and sure enough, Jake was leading. He could tell that I wasn't ready to dive into the real reason why I was home. He didn't want to press his luck and upset me. He filled me in on what had been happening with the pack. I asked how school was going and he just laughed. Apparently a high school education was not his top priority. We found ourselves in town in front of the diner. Despite the fact that I had prepared a ridiculous amount of food at the house, we decided to go in and talk. It looked like it might start raining anyway, not that was a new occurrence in Forks.

We ordered, Jake got a cheese burger and fries and I settled for a chocolate shake. I could feel the direction of the conversation changing and I braced myself for it.

He looked at me intently. Great here it comes, "Bella I know you aren't here just because you missed Charlie. He might think that or be content with that explanation but I know better. Come on, you can tell me what's going on."

I let out a sigh and collected my thoughts for a moment. What on earth was I going to tell him? Slowly I started, "Yeah, you're right. To be honest I'm surprised that I was able to postpone this discussion as long as I did." I stared at the table cloth for a few more minutes, playing with the wrapper from my straw. Jacob was waiting patiently for me to go on but I could feel his anticipation.

I finally spit out, "I just couldn't do it Jake."

"Do what Bella?" Jake asked carefully. He was treading very carefully. It made him seem so much more mature. The old Jacob would have been gnawing at the bit for me to get this out. Even though he seemed more mature and patient, he was still my old Jacob. The Jacob before he found out he was a werewolf.

"I couldn't let him change me Jake. We planned on doing it the day I left. I was sick to my stomach about it all day and just couldn't do it. I came home to figure some things out." I didn't meet his eyes. I was terribly afraid of what I might see there.

He was breathless as he leaned in closer and said, "I prayed every night since you married him that I would hear this. I can't bare the thought of your body going cold. Never seeing that beautiful flush in your cheeks again. You chose life Bella. I'm so happy I could sing.... I won't, trust me, no one wants to hear that."

What he said struck me to my very core. I chose life. When I left the Cullens that day I had cheated death. I never equated spending forever with my husband and dying. Even if I believe that vampires have a soul, and after being with Edward I certainly do, I would have still lost something in myself. Something in me would be dead; something I could never undo.

I slowly said, "Jake this doesn't mean that I'm leaving Edward. This doesn't mean that I'm leaving him for good." Even more carefully I went on, "this doesn't mean that I chose you."

His face fell ever so slightly but was recovered so quickly I could have imagined it. Still grinning he said, "I know Bells. But this gives me hope that I didn't have just a few months ago. Hope that you'll live. Hope that I can spend time with my best friend again." He placed special emphasis on the word friend, trying to convey that he had been listening. He was still trying not to push his luck.

"Oh yeah? And what types of things will you be doing with said best friend?" I said playfully, leaning even further across the table, my hand inches from his. Oh my god, was I flirting with Jacob Black?

Either he didn't notice or was still playing his cards close. He smiled and pretended to think. "Well, I have some money saved up and with the vampire threat gone I have a lot more free time on my hands. I haven't been further east than Montana. We could always road trip."

I shook my head at him, smiling, silly Jacob. "And you don't have to worry about school? Now that you're back in town I'd figure you needed to finish high school."

"Well I'm in the school of thought that believes experience is the best teacher. Considering both Forks and La Push have become painfully boring I could go find experience somewhere else." He played back at me.

"And what about this best friend? I'm pretty sure she' still married." I said as I held up my left hand. As soon as I had done it, I regretted it. The carefree Jacob that had been sitting across from me was gone. He was replaced with the bitter angry Jacob that I didn't like. "I'm sorry Jake, that was out of line. I shouldn't have said it like that."

He looked me over for a minute and said "No, you're right. You are married. You're just going to have to figure out a way to come to terms with becoming one of them or leave him."

His statement struck me as odd. "Don't I have the option of staying with him as a human?" I questioned.

Jacob looked at me like I had grown two heads. "How would that work? You'll wake up one day with crows feet and wrinkles and realize your forever young husband isn't in your bed because he doesn't need to sleep. He'll be out somewhere doing ...leech things." I rolled my eyes at his use of 'leech' but he continued. "You'll age, you'll change, you'll die and he won't Bella. I'm pretty sure for a marriage to work people have to go into it as equals."

Jacob had brought up the very things that I didn't want to think about. The voice in my head had been sneaking these thoughts into my subconscious but I kept ignoring them. He was right; Jacob was entirely right. I couldn't stay married to him as a human. I couldn't bare aging, having people think I was his mother or grandmother. The image of me as my grandmother in the dream I had before my 18th birthday crept to the forefront of my mind. I shook it away. I would not become that while he stayed young.

"I know Jake." I sucked in air and felt the sick feeling return to my stomach. This time it wasn't because I couldn't come to terms with being changed. This time it was because I knew I would have to have an unpleasant conversation with Edward. "Let's get back to the house. I'm sure Billy and Charlie are wondering where we went." I said as I threw a ten on the table and got up to leave. Jacob got up tentatively and followed me out the door.

The walk home he walked much closer to me. Our hands kept brushing each other and I had the sudden desire for his warmth on my skin. I needed my sun to give me the strength to face this. I grabbed his hand and felt his body tense before he squeezed it back and let his thumb draw circles on the back of my hand. It felt as though a weight had been lifted from my heart and Jacob was carrying it for me. I didn't care that people were staring at me as we walked back to Charlie's house. I didn't care that I was a married woman and was holding the hand of a man that was not my husband. I was holding on to the sun. I defied the darkness and was ready to embrace the light.

A/N: Two uploads in a night! I'm proud of myself. This will not be typical. I'm on spring break this week. So what do you think? :)


	4. Confrontation

Chapter 4: Confrontation

A/N: I'm sorry this took so long. I worked ridiculously long hours this past week and didn't feel up to writing. And I'll be honest, I've been dreading this Chapter, I'm ready for some Jacob :)

_I was holding on to the sun. I defied the darkness and was ready to embrace the light. _

As it turns out, I did mind that people in town had begun to stare and gossip. I'm sure Jessica Stanley or even Lauren were the masterminds behind the rumors that I had come home because Edward and finally come to his senses and left me, but that knowledge wouldn't stop them from being spread like wildfire. Forks was a small and simple town, anything out of the ordinary practically had a reservation on the front page of the newspaper. My marriage to Edward and certainly been a hot topic of gossip at the time, but it was nothing compared to the rumors flying around town now. I had been staying with Charlie for two weeks and managed to cause an uproar. I started sending Jacob to the store with a list and money to avoid the ever present eyes of the town. I had to do something. I couldn't stand in limbo like this any longer. I wasn't ready to go back to Alaska, but I certainly couldn't tolerate Forks any longer, the comfort had been sucked out of the town and had become annoying.

I had been toying with the idea of leaving for the past few days and I had finally come to a decision on what I'd do. It was too late in the fall to sign up for any college classes. The one school I was sort of enrolled in was in Alaska, but that wasn't an option. I figured I'd head south back to Arizona. I didn't want to return to the cold so why not do the opposite? Truth is I had other reasons for Arizona besides the fact I was fairly familiar with it. I knew I would have to have an unpleasant conversation with Edward and he would be much less likely to follow me there. I had made my mind up days ago but I am a complete coward. Who really wants to tell their husband they're going somewhere and don't want them to follow? Certainly not me.

What Jacob had said about my marriage not being able to work unless Edward and I were equals was weighing heavily on my mind. At the time I had accepted it. It's easy to accept things with Jacob. He makes me feel like things aren't nearly as bad as I think they are. Accepting that you have to leave your husband or have him change you into a vampire is not something to be taken lightly to be sure. I was certain I didn't want to be changed, at least not in the near future. That only left me with one option.

I paced around the house all morning trying to work up the courage to pick up the phone and call him. Each hour passed by and I came up with an excuse as to why it was not the right time. He would be out hunting. He might be doing something with Emmett. Each excuse was more lame than the next. I knew Edward and I knew that he had probably been pacing around the house since I left waiting for me to call. And I had to factor in Alice, she would have seen me making this decision, making it all the more difficult to prolong the inevitable. I needed to just bite the bullet.

I took a deep breath and dialed. The phone began ringing and my heart began beating wildly out of my chest. He would probably be able to hear it over the phone. No amount of deep breaths could settle the butterflies and feeling of nausea in my stomach.

"Bella? Are you alright? I've been so worried about you." His frantic voice came over the line. One ring, he had been waiting. I'm sure I have Alice to thank for that. The line was silent for too long, "Bella? Love are you there?"

He could hear me breathing on the other end of the line, he knew I was. I had to answer, "Yes Edward, I'm here." I could hear him sigh with relief on the other end of the line. The tension was palpable even through the phone. "I'm sorry it took me so long to call. I figured Alice would let you know I arrived alright and I needed some time to myself. I'm ready to talk now"

We both fell silent. I didn't know what else to say. I dialed his number with every intention of being up front and honest right now but I just couldn't make the words come out.

"Bella please say something." I could hear the strain in his voice. It was taking everything he had to not run here directly. I owed him more than this, I needed to get this over with.

"Would you mind meeting me at Charlie's house so we can talk? I'd like to see you" I froze in horror and myself. Did that really just come out of my mouth? My heart sank and I was furious with myself. So much for dealing with this now and being up front. When he had left me after my 18th birthday he had managed a clean break. I know it had broken his heart to do so but it was better than what I was doing. Apparently I wasn't capable of a clean break.

"I'll be there as soon as I can. I've missed you Bella. My life just hasn't been the same without you." Edward said. He was almost pleading, as if telling me that he missed me this would have his desired outcome. Had I really given that much away?

"I've missed you too Edward. Forks isn't the same without you." I cringed inwardly. Well if I'm going to hell I might as well do it thoroughly. It wasn't a lie either. I did miss Edward, but not enough to go back to Alaska.

"I love you Bella." Edward whispered into the phone and hung up. I knew he was either getting into the fastest car they owned or running the entire way here.

I sat at the kitchen table for a moment collecting myself. This was going to be infinitely harder than what I had originally planned. I was just going to get on the phone and tell him I was going to try out Arizona for a while. Forks was too uncomfortable without him and the town didn't allow me to really think. In Forks I was defined as Edward's wife, the clumsy girl from high school that had foolishly married her high school sweetheart. Now I was going to have to look into his beautiful golden eyes and tell him I was going somewhere he couldn't follow. I was going to have to look into his angel's face and break his heart.

I looked up at the clock and a half an hour had passed already. I knew he'd be getting here as fast as he could, but a half an hour wouldn't be long enough. I decided to go shower and clean up a bit to pass the time.

Time has a way of speeding up when you are dreading something. Even though we were almost a thousand miles apart, four hours impossibly short later I heard a knock at the door. For a moment I wasn't sure it could be Edward. I half expected him to climb in through my bedroom window like he had before we were married. I shook that thought out of my head. Of course he wouldn't, he was far too much a gentleman.

Trembling, I walked to the door to find him standing on the porch soaked from the rain. I didn't see anything in the driveway so I could only assume he ran the whole way. His face fell when I opened the door seeing me tremble. I did not greet him with a smile and throw my arms around him like a normal wife would that hadn't seen her husband in two weeks. Silently he walked in and sat on the couch, not seeming to notice he was dripping wet.

I sat opposite of him, my body angled towards him. I was afraid to look him directly in the eye so I settled on his perfectly chiseled chin. "Edward I can't go back to Alaska." My declaration hung heavy in the air. I waited for him to say something.

He looked at me intently through hollow eyes for what seemed like an eternity. He was weighing his words carefully. "Bella you don't have to come back. We can go anywhere you want."

This caused my body to go ridged. He was smart, we both knew that. We both knew he was skirting around what I had really meant to say. "Edward I love you with all of my heart. You know that, right?"

His eyes swept over my face, searching. Almost frantically he answered. "Yes Bella, I know you love me." I had never seen him lose his collected demeanor with me like this before. This was going to be bad. I don't know if I have the strength to get this out.

"I can't be with you right now. I know I married you because I love you, but I can't become like you" The words crushed me as they escaped my mouth. I didn't want to even begin to imagine what they were doing to my Edward.

In a soft, pleading voice he answered, "You don't have to be like me Bella. I will gladly spend whatever precious time I can have with you. We can attend college, travel, adopt children, whatever you want. I'll do anything Bella. Anything."

He was begging. He was going to sacrifice and give me anything my heart desired. But what I wanted he couldn't give me. "Edward you can't be everything. I can't go to Paris with you on a sunny day and climb the Eiffel Tower. I can't go with you to Disney World and ride a roller coaster. I never have, did you know that? You can't experience the same thrills that I will. I can't have the same new experiences with you. We're different. We feel things differently." I was almost shouting with hysteria.. All the things that I had been suppressing in the depths of my mind came pouring out of my mouth.

Edward replied grabbing my hands and holding them between his cool ones, locking my gaze in his. "Bella everything I do with you is a new and wonderful experience. I might not experience them exactly like you but every minute I spend with you is exciting and fulfilling." Except this one, I altered in my mind.

He was hurting. I could see it in his eyes and it was killing me. I love him and this isn't right. I needed to stop this, it couldn't keep dragging on like this. "No, it can't ever be the same if we aren't the same. I can't be the same as you, not right now. I'm leaving Forks and I don't know when I'll be back. I don't want you to come with me. Not right now. I just wanted you to know. Please, please respect that." The tears that had been welling up behind my lids started flowing freely.

He was defeated and I felt guilty. I didn't want to cry because I knew that he'd give me what I was asking for, even if it would rip him apart to do so. His voice was hollow as he replied, "If that's what you need Bella." He reached up to my face and wiped away the tears. Even after I had hurt him he was concerned about my well being. God I hated myself right now. "Just tell me something, you don't regret me, do you?"

A fresh wave of guilt and pain rushed over me. "No Edward. Loving you has been the best thing in my life. I'm just not ready for it to be the only thing. Can you understand that?"

He looked as if he could. He had been pleading this point with me since I first met him. He wasn't good for me, I should enjoy being human. I couldn't bring myself to regret not listening to him earlier. As much as it was killing me to see him sit there a shell of the Edward I know and love, having the experience of being loved and held by him wasn't something I would ever trade. I brought his cool hand to my lips and kissed it, breathing in his intoxicating scent.

"Please don't try to follow me. I'll come back when I'm ready. I'll completely understand if you don't want to wait for me to figure myself out." Truth is, I wanted him to wait. I wanted the security of knowing that he loved me and was waiting for me. I wanted to know that he cared about me. I also knew it wouldn't be fair for him to put his life on hold while I figured things out. If I was being honest with myself, I would have been able to admit that there was a very real possibility that coming back to him might not be the answer once I did figure it out. I couldn't handle that kind of honesty as I was crushing the man I loved.

Edward can't cry, but if he could, he would be. In the most un-Edward like voice he replied "Of course. If that's what you want." He didn't even try to convince me otherwise. He wasn't fighting for me. That was my fault. I had done this.

I reached out to him to throw my arms around him. I wanted to hold him and make the pain go away. I wanted to feel his marble skin next to mine. He pulled away, quickly getting up and walking to the door. Without looking back he was gone.

Getting up and running after him would be useless, I could never catch him. Besides, what was I planning on doing if I did? He shouldn't want to be around me; I didn't even want to be around me. I curled up on the couch, laying on my side with my arms wrapped around my knees, and began to sob. I let myself succumb to the darkness. What had I done?

A/N: And there we have it, the scene I have been dreading writing. Poor Edward. I almost feel bad about this.... almost. So, predictions?


	5. Road

Chapter 5: Road

_I curled up on the couch, laying on my side with my arms wrapped around my knees, and began to sob. I let myself succumb to the darkness. What had I done?_

I woke up the following morning on the couch. I had fallen asleep somewhere between the crying and my panic attack. Charlie must have decided it was best to just leave me there. He never was very good with emotions but after seeing me like that, there was no way I was getting out of explaining at the very least. I sat up slowly, trying to avoid a head rush. My stomach was growling loudly but I hardly felt like eating. Maybe some coffee would be good. As soon as I stood up the blood drained from my head and I had to catch myself on the edge of the couch. Apparently some toast might not be a bad idea either.

I turned the coffee pot on, threw in some toast, and sunk down in a chair at the table. Last night definitely ranked in the top five worst nights of my life. I feel so guilty. My mind has been racing since he walked out the door, trying to sort out a way to make us both happy. Edward won't be happy without me, that has been made pretty clear. Though after the crap I said yesterday, who knows if that's even an option anymore. I'd like to think it is, after all, he's still technically my husband.

Technically. I suppose having your names on a license is hardly a marriage. What did I know about being married anyway? Charlie and Renee weren't exactly the best role models for a working marriage or even an adult relationship. All these years I was raising my mother I promised myself I wouldn't become her, turns out I'm setting myself up to be very much like her indeed. I was suppose to be the mature, middle aged one and here I am running away just like my mother.

Grabbing a cup of coffee and forgetting the toast I made my way up to my room. Without really thinking I began packing up my clothes. Most of my personal belongings were still with the Cullens in Alaska. I figure I've lived two weeks without them, I can probably do without them entirely. The alternative would be to go retrieve them. I shuddered at the thought of what Rosalie, or even Emmett for that matter, would have to say to me. I've hurt, not just Edward, but my entire family. My eyes began tearing up at the thought of my family. I'd never had people like that in my life before and now I'm walking out on them. Ugh, this is just too much to handle. Shower. Yes a shower is something I can deal with right now.

Once I got out of the shower I began throwing my stuff in my toiletry bag. I hadn't really planned on leaving today. To be honest, I hadn't really planned anything at all. It was so unlike me to be so irresponsible. Though everything I've done in the past 24 hours seemed to be pretty irresponsible and unlike me. I wasn't even sure who Bella Swan was anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in a car that just keeps moving and the only thing I can do is go along for the ride. I'm not even sure who is driving the damn thing. Maybe that's exactly what I need, to just go. Phoenix would be about a two day drive in my truck, not to mention cost a fortune in gas but I have to get out of here.

Grabbing my bags and not even bothering to take a look behind me I walked out the door and threw them in the truck. I figure I should head over to the police station and have a chat with Charlie. I'm sure this will go well.

Charlie must have heard me pull into the parking lot because he met me at the entrance to the station. That was one good thing about my truck, it had it's own distinctive sound.

"Hey Dad. How's work been so far?" I said. I might as well start this out as casually as possible.

"It's fine. How about you, care to tell me what's going on?" Charlie replied. So much for the casually part.

I took in a deep breath. "Dad I'm getting out of here...today. I talked to Edward yesterday and I can't be in Forks anymore." Saying his name was like a dagger stabbing my heart. I wasn't worthy of that. I knew that wasn't the straight forward answer he was looking for. Normally with Charlie details weren't necessary but this situation was far from normal.

"Where are you going? How are you getting there? Are you meeting up with Edward? What did you have to talk to him about?" Charlie questioned in steady succession. The police chief inquisition. I'd been mentally preparing myself for this on the drive over here.

"I'm driving to Arizona." I said with conviction, much more hesitant to go on. Sighing, "No Dad, I'm not meeting up with Edward. I saw him yesterday to tell him I needed space. This was all too fast."

Charlie looked at me visibly torn. On one hand, he seemed glad to hear that I had finally had some sense knocked into me. It was no secret that he thought getting married at 18 was a bad idea. On the other hand, he didn't look very happy with me. No doubt he was remembering what it was like to have his young wife run off and leave him. The guilt, if possible, pilled up higher in the pit of my stomach.

Shaking his head Charlie said, "Bella I don't know what to say. I thought you two were crazy about each other."

I folded my arms under my chest trying to keep myself calm. "This has nothing to do with how I feel about him. I love him dad. I am crazy about him. I'm just not sure if loving someone is enough." It felt good to get that off my chest, even if it was to Charlie.

Charlie looked at me almost like he was sizing me up. I was growing uncomfortable under his gaze. "Bella I just want you to be happy. I hope you know that. You've made an adult decision and I hope your mother and I have raised you to be responsible for those decisions. Just be fair to him Bells."

I expected worse. I was waiting for him to tell me that I was destroying Edward. Not that I needed to be told, I already knew as much. Then it occurred to me that would be indirectly talking about his feelings regarding my mother and Charlie wouldn't feel comfortable doing that.

"I know Dad. He deserves that much and more. I want to hit the road soon, I don't really like driving at night." I said as I walked over to him to give him a hug. I wasn't sure how much more serious talk Charlie and I could stand.

Hugging me back he said, "Just be careful Bells. Give me a call every so often on the road. I worry about your truck. Are you sure you don't want me to drive you to the bus station or anything?"

"No Dad, I'll be fine. Thank you though. Just don't tell mom yet, I'll get around to it when I'm ready. " I said stepping back towards my truck and opening the door.

Charlie walked over to shut the door and said, "Sure thing kid. Take care of yourself. You'll do the right thing, somehow you always do. Bye Bells."

"Bye Dad." I said as the door shut. Saying good bye to Charlie was much easier this time. I knew I could come back whenever I wanted. He would actually be able to visit me when I got where ever I was going. There was no worry that I would attack him. It felt more like I was going off to college, not that I had done that before. I imagine the emotions would be the same, feeling anxious, sad, excited, and curious all at the same time. I, Bella Swan, was setting out on my own for the first time, truly on my own. It would be my own adventure.

I drove through the town with a conviction. I made the decision to cause someone I love entirely pain in order to live my human life. I needed to live it. Staying in Forks wasn't an option if I planned on doing things I couldn't do with Edward. Mentally I started making a list of things I wanted to do, I'd once heard it called a Bucket List, when a familiar Volkswagen appeared in my rearview mirror. It was foolish to think I'd get out of town without seeing Jacob.

I pulled over into the bank parking lot and he followed. Before I really had a chance to unbuckle myself Jacob was already opening the door to my truck and pulling me out.

As I tried to steady myself on two feet, always a difficult task, Jacob pulled me into a signature bone crushing hug. "I heard you were leaving town. What's going on?" He stepped back but remained holding my upper arms in his hands. His black hair had grown out more since the wedding and was pulled back into a ponytail.

"I don't know how you could have possibly heard that quickly. I just left Charlie five minutes ago." I said shaking my head at him but smiling. I wasn't mad; it's so hard to be mad at Jacob.

"Grapevine, pack mind, I knew before you made it to the station. Seth was keeping an eye on your place. With Edward back in the area yesterday we thought it might be a good idea. Anyway, he saw you putting bags in your car." Jacob said grinning.

The smile fell from my face slightly. I wasn't ready to talk to Jacob about Edward. He was sure to complicate things "You know Edward is perfectly save. I married him after all."

"I never can be too careful with you Bella." Jacob replied.

Rolling my eyes I responded. "Jake I have a long drive ahead of me, the sooner I get on the road the better."

His face fell slightly but went on, "I wanted to talk to you about that. I don't feel good about letting you go across the country by yourself, especially in that truck."

I hated it when people insulted my truck. There was absolutely nothing wrong with it. Sure, it could use a fresh coat of paint, and a faster engine, and a new interior, but that's what gave it charm. "I'll be fine Jacob. After all you're the mechanic on this thing. I'm sure there's some kind of warranty." He just laughed.

As I said that my eyes drifted to the backseat of the Rabbit. I'm sure it wasn't coincidence that he just happened to have a couple bags packed in the backseat. "Jacob was there something you wanted to ask me?"

Giving me the cockiest grin he could manage he said, "Well I figured now that you don't have a vampire to protect you maybe you wouldn't mind me tagging along. For protection of course."

I sighed. "Jacob I need to do this on my own. I need space. Bella time." The smile was gone from his face; it had a hard edge to it now. I didn't want to hurt Jacob too. I can't seem to get anything right these days.

His jaw set he replied, "I see." And he began to walk away.

I reached out after him. Catching on to his toned arm I said. "Jake wait. I don't want things to be like this between us. I'm not leaving you. This isn't good bye or I don't want to see you anymore. Maybe you can come visit me after a while."

His eyes were carefully on my hand holding on to him. His eyes followed my arm up until they locked onto mine. My breath caught in my chest. The contrast between his dark eyes and his russet skin was beautiful. Softly he said, "Bella, please mean that. I just got you back. I don't want to lose you already."

I didn't want to address the fact that I hadn't actually divorced Edward. Jacob was actually being rather sweet about the whole thing. No need to ruin that with a werewolf freak out. "I do mean it Jake. I'll give you a call when I get there."

I closed the gap between us and gave him a hug. I meant for it to be a friendly hug but in typical Jake fashion he held me a little too close and a little too tight. I couldn't say I was upset. Jacob was giving me the hug that I had wanted to give to Edward. It felt nice to be held. I backed away and got in my truck. I waved good bye and drove away.

I had been driving about 5 hours before I stopped for lunch at about 2:00 in the afternoon. I wasn't really hungry but I wanted out of the car. I never really liked car trips. I must have been out of my mind to not just buy a bus ticket. I was enjoying the alone time after I got over my paranoia that one of the Cullens could be following me. I had entertained this thought for the first hour or so. I wouldn't put it past Edward to want to protect me, even if he was angry or hurt.

There was something oddly freeing about the open road. I always thought people that enjoyed motorcycling across the country were nuts. Now I can see the appeal in it. True, I was in a rusty old truck instead of a shiny Harley, but I'm sure the feeling is the same. The only thing I was worried about was getting gas.

The further from Forks I got the less I seemed to worry about Edward. It wasn't quite out of sight out of mind, but it was close. The first few hundred miles I was fighting back tears. Now I decided crying about it just wasn't worth it. It wouldn't change the fact that we were both in two entirely different worlds. It wouldn't change that I had been foolish to think I could make that work out.

Hours later outside of Yreka, California it was starting to creep towards sunset when I heard a funny sound coming from my truck. I groaned. Great, the last thing I needed was my truck to break down. I pulled over at a gas station and popped the hood. I have no idea what I expected to find in there. I had spent plenty of time in Jacob's garage while he worked on his car, but unfortunately through osmosis I hadn't picked up anything that would be useful now. I slammed the hood shut and got in the cab to try to start it again. The engine wouldn't turn over. Defeated, I sat with my head slumped against the steering wheel for a few minutes. Ok, I need to figure something out. Stupid, reckless Bella hadn't thought to have anything checked out before I left on my long trip across the country. I couldn't believe I was about to do this.... I reached into my bag and pulled out my cell phone. After two rings I sighed and said, "Hey Billy, is Jake there by chance?"

A/N: I know in Breaking Dawn Bella's truck dies but I'm not a fan of her driving around in anything else but her truck, so let's just overlook that little detail. It works out better for the story that way... Thanks to those of you that have added me to alerts and are reviewing, seriously you're awesome. You make me feel guilty when I choose bed over writing. I do have parts from WAY future chapters, would you guys be interested at a glance at it? Of course it's subject to change. Maybe I'll leave some in a review tomorrow.

I totally didn't want to become one of those authors that begs for reviews, so I won't beg. BUT, through the facebook stalker type feature fanfic has, I've seen a lot more people are reading this than are reviewing. And I'll leave it at that, this is getting longer than the story.


	6. Knight

Chapter 6: Knight

_The engine wouldn't turn over. Defeated, I sat with my head slumped against the steering wheel for a few minutes. Ok, I need to figure something out. Stupid, reckless Bella hadn't thought to have anything checked out before I left on my long trip across the country. I couldn't believe I was about to do this.... I reached into my bag and pulled out my cell phone. After two rings I sighed and said, "Hey Billy, is Jake there by chance?_

"Bella?" Jake's voice came breathlessly over the phone.

"Hey Jake." I said trying to keep the embarrassment out of my voice.

"I didn't expect to hear from you tonight. Where are you?" I could hear his smile in his voice. My sunny Jake. I've really enjoyed this particular side to Jacob.

"I think I'm in Yreka, California. I pulled over at some little gas station outside of town." I sighed. "Jake my truck won't start."

He replied with a deep bellowing laugh. Great, this is exactly how I didn't want him to react. It's bad enough I'm in a strange town in California, 10 hours from home, I don't need him laughing at me as well.

Through his laugh he managed to choke out "Did you put the right key in the ignition? Does it have gas?" Which only brought on a new onslaught of laughter.

"Yes Jacob I have the right key and gas. I'm not completely dense." I was annoyed. I should have just called Charlie or a tow truck.

"I'm sorry Bells. This is just so _you_." He managed to settle down again. "Well I could try to explain how to check if the battery went dead over the phone..."

We both groaned at that idea. I'd be lucky to identify the darn thing, let alone do whatever he wanted me to do. "Though chances are Bells, it's the alternator, and in that case you'll just have to get a new one."

"Are you sure? Would they have one of those in town? You need to tell me what they look like and how to install it." A fresh round of laughter began. Apparently that was a stupid idea.

"How about you see if the guy at the gas station can help you out. There's probably a mechanic in town that install it for you. That is, unless you want me to come down there. But I'll warn you, if I'm driving 10 hours to come to your rescue, I'm not turning around and leaving."

I weighed my options. Looking at the guy behind the counter I decided that option wasn't very promising. He looked like a pimply teenager that would be more comfortable in a video game store than picking out an alternator. That would hardly be any help. On the other hand, I was suppose to be going out on my own, an adventure in self discovery. I had to laugh at myself. I certainly had discovered something about myself: I was utterly helpless. I couldn't even make it to Arizona without having to call someone for help. If I was being honest with myself, I was amazed I hadn't gotten lost. I was only looking for 3 major high ways, but directions were never a strength of mine.

Grudgingly I replied, "Jake, I don't think that guy could help. He looks more the Dungeon and Dragons type...."

"Bella if I'm going to drive down there to your rescue you'll have to make it worth the trip. And I want to hear you say you want me to come." Jacob replied smugly. He was enjoying my helplessness entirely too much.

"Jacob, I need your help. I already promised to be your slave for life but we can totally make that two life times." I said thinking back to Valentine's Day when he gave me conversation hearts. It was only seven months ago but it seemed like a lifetime. I had lived through a vampire attack, graduating high school, and getting married.

"In that case, yes I'll come. You should probably try to find a hotel or something it'll take me at least 8 hours to get there." I could only imagine the grin on his, the contrast between his white teeth and russet skin. Well I'm glad one of us is enjoying this.

"Jake it took me 10 hours to get here. Don't you dare get yourself killed driving that fast." I said threateningly. The last thing I needed was the guilt of a dead werewolf on my conscious.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine. I'll see you as soon as I can. Call and tell me where to find you. Please be careful." He said dismissing me. I could hear things being tossed around in the background.

"Ok. I will. See you soon."

"Bye Bells." Jacob said and hung up the phone.

I sat there for a few minutes, trying to plan my next course of action. Jacob was right, he wouldn't be here until at least 4 in the morning and I couldn't sleep in my car. Time to bite the bullet Bella.

I took a quick look in the mirror trying to tame my hair. Unsatisfied, I gave up and got out of the car walking to the door of the gas station.

The guy behind the counter looked up from a magazine, something that looked suspiciously like it had animated characters on the front. "Er, Hi, I was wondering if you could help me?" I said. I was hoping to go for the damsel in distress look that I'd seen Rosalie use so effectively before to get her way. I sincerely doubted I was achieving the same effect.

He perked up a bit. Perhaps it was working after all. "What can I do for you?"

"My truck won't start and I've called someone for help but it's going to take a while. I'm not from around here. I was wondering if you knew of a hotel I could stay at while I waited?" I said, trying to bat my eyelashes at him. This was embarrassing.

"Uh... Uh yeah. There's one up the road." He squeaked.

"You wouldn't be able to give me a ride up there, would you?" I smiled the sweetest smile I could manage. I really should have paid more attention during high school. I didn't have the flirtatious girl thing down at all.

"Yeah sure! My shift is over in about a half hour, if you don't mind waiting." He said a little too enthusiastically.

"Thanks, I'll just be waiting out here." I replied, trying to make a quick exit. I just hope he doesn't end up being a nut job. Being a danger magnet and all, it would be just my luck. The morning news tomorrow would be that the police found a mutilated body in the back of a rusty old pick up in a swamp somewhere. Jacob had better hurry...

Turns out that my new friend from the gas station, Jason, wasn't a nut job after all. Socially awkward perhaps but not a nut job. He dropped me off at the Super 8 Motel about ten miles up the road. I thanked him profusely and went to go see about getting a room. He offered to carry my bags for me but I didn't want to encourage him any more than I already had. My next dilemma was paying for the room. I was pretty sure I needed to use a credit card and the only card I had was shiny, black, and belonged to a Bella Cullen. I wasn't sure I'd still be able to use it. Was Edward mad enough at me to cancel the card? I wouldn't blame him if he had. Not only that, but I wouldn't put it past him to be tracking the use of the card. I didn't really want him showing up here, especially if Jake was coming.

I asked for the cheapest room they had, a room with two double beds, and handed over my card. I saw a sign on the front desk stating that rooms wouldn't be rented to those under 21 but upon seeing the black card, that seemed to be forgotten. I crossed my fingers, hoping the card would go through. I sighed in relief as I was handed a room key and gathered my stuff. I felt mildly guilty about using it. It was intended for Edward's wife and I wasn't acting much like his wife.

I opened the door to find two beds, a night stand, bathroom and t.v. Nothing fancy, I hadn't expected it to be. I closed the door behind me and collapsed on the bed. I was more exhausted than I thought. I tried calling Jake to let him know I was in room 108 but ended up having to leave a voice mail. Hopefully he'll get the message. I looked around the room and felt suddenly very alone. I hadn't spent the night in a strange place completely by myself...ever. I wasn't sure I entirely liked the feeling. I suppose I should get used to it. This is what I wanted after all. The small voice in my head reminded me that Jacob would be there in a few hours. This placated me slightly. I remembered that I had a bag with a toothbrush and change of clothes. I brushed my teeth and changed into pajama shorts and a t shirt. It wasn't very late but I didn't have anywhere else to go and sleeping would make the time pass more quickly. I drifted off to sleep contemplating what it would be like falling asleep by myself every night from here on out.

A sharp knock at the door startled me. My eyes flew open and my pulse quickened. I barely remembered that I was in a hotel room in California. Was it Edward? Had he followed me here? I got up slowly and crossed the floor to the door. Unlatching the chain lock I turned the knob and slowly opened the door.

Standing in the dimly lit hallway was Jacob Black. I slowly began to gather my thoughts and remembered I had called him. What time was it? Looking back at the clock it read 5 am. I thought he was suppose to be here sooner than that.

"Well aren't you a sight." He said casually leaning up against the door frame, a playful smile on his lips.

I began to look myself over. My t shirt was twisted as were my shorts. I righted them and my hands flew to my hair, which was in a rat's nest. I had never been overly self conscious waking up next to Edward but having Jacob see me like this was a different story. Embarrassed I blushed.

"So, can I come in? It's been a long drive." He said as he stepped past me and sat on the edge of the bed I had not been occupying.

"I thought you were going to be here at 3. Did you decide to drive at a more reasonable speed?" I inquired as I shut the door behind him. I tried to keep the thought of how awkward this seemed. It didn't occur to me that he would be tired and want to sleep after such a long drive. I had slept on the couch next to Jacob before, but not since I was married. It seemed the lines between us had blurred slightly, as they tend to do with Jacob.

He seemed completely at ease as he took off his shoes and proceeded to take off his shirt, getting ready to climb into bed. My eyes lingered on his tan, muscled chest when I noticed a long, bright red scrape. "Yeah I thought so too Bells. Turns out there were complications."

"Complications? Jake what happened?" I said as I crossed the room and sat next to him on the bed. My hand, acting under it's own accord, reached up and touched the red skin on his chest. He stiffened slightly, but I got the impression it wasn't because my touch had hurt him. I quickly pulled my hand away.

"It's nothing Bella. I heal quickly. Don't worry about it." He said trying to make light of it.

"Jake, I know that you heal quickly. That was not merely nothing. What happened? What took you so long?" I wasn't going to let him talk his way out of this.

He hesitated for a minute, seeming reluctant to divulge into the story. His eyes finally met mine. "Sam wasn't too happy about me coming down here. He told me it wasn't my responsibility. He said your _husband _should be doing it."

I had to look away. Jacob had gotten in a fight with his pack over me. A pack that clearly wasn't very happy with me. Sam was partially right. I didn't have a right to ask Jacob to drive this far to play my knight in shining armor. I had made it clear before that someone else was already filling that role. It was my fault he had that cut on his chest.

"Jacob I'm so sorry." I said feeling incredibly guilty.

"Don't worry about it Bella. I'll be good as new in the morning. You won't even know it's there." He said grinning. I could see through it though. The smile didn't reach his eyes.

"But I don't understand." I said shaking my head, "if Sam didn't want you here, then how did you manage to come?"

Jacob let out a sigh. His shoulders fell and I could clearly see the weight that had been placed on my sunny Jacob. "You noticed that, did you?" He looked around the room, searching for a way to get out the rest of his explanation. "I disobeyed him Bella. That's why we fought."

"You fought him? Disobeyed? But How?" I sputtered out. "I didn't think you could disobey the Alpha..."

"You aren't suppose to be able to while you're still in the pack." Jacob said softly.

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. He had left the pack and that was my fault. Those guys were his brothers and he turned his back on them for me. He had fought his brothers for me. Disgusted with myself I hung my head in shame. I really do ruin everything for everyone around me. I don't deserve Jacob. Not after all that I had put him through. Not after all the times I had rejected him.

I was done hurting Jacob Black. I put my arm around his waist, his shoulder being too tall to reach, trying to comfort him. "I'm so sorry Jake. I would have never asked you to do that." I felt miserable.

"I know. I know you didn't ask. Besides his reasons were ridiculous, I'd like to think I'm better off. Besides, this means freedom for me." He said brightening up a bit. I knew there was more to the story but I didn't want to press him for details anymore tonight.

"Thank you Jake." Was all I could think of to say. He smiled back at me, a true genuine Jacob smile, followed by a yawn. "How about I let you get some sleep?"

"Sounds good Bells." He said as he laid back on the bed not bothering to climb under the covers. His body temperature would be more than enough to keep him warm. He looked exhausted, it would be only a matter of minutes before he passed out.

I got up slowly and walked back over to my bed. His head jerked up to look at me for a minute. Discontent passed over his face briefly before he closed his eyes and laid back down. I could guess as much that he wanted me to stay but that seemed entirely inappropriate. I curled back up in my bed and closed my eyes. I didn't expect to still be tired but listening to Jacob softly breathing in the bed next to me was oddly soothing. I drifted off to the sound of his chest rising and falling, my own Jacob lullaby.

_A/N: Just remember, Renesmee never happened, so Jacob hadn't split from Sam's pack that way. I added some teasers to my reviews. I'd love to hear your theories on them. If I get enough reviews from this update I may add more. They shouldn't give anything away, so no worries. (No this is not quite begging for reviews, simply bribing)_


	7. Rusty

Chapter 7:

_I curled back up in my bed and closed my eyes. I didn't expect to still be tired but listening to Jacob softly breathing in the bed next to me was oddly soothing. I drifted off to the sound of his chest rising and falling, my own Jacob lullaby. _

I woke up at 9 that morning. Jacob was sprawled out, covering every inch of the bed next to me. He was snoring slightly. His silky black hair was in disarray around his face, fluttering slightly with each exhale. He looks so peaceful laying there I didn't want to wake him. Jacob had only been asleep 4 hours and I knew he would need more sleep than that. Weighing my options on what I could do to pass the time, I decided taking a shower while he was still asleep would be the best idea. From experience, I knew Jacob slept more soundly than Charlie so I wasn't worried about waking him up.

I gathered my toiletry bag and a change of clothes and walked into the bathroom. I shut the door behind me tightly, locking it behind me. I shudder to think how awkward it would be if Jacob woke up and suddenly decided he needed to use the bathroom while I was showering. I wasn't even very comfortable with being naked while he was in the next room. It seemed too intimate for friends. Probably because I knew, deep down, Jacob never wanted to just be my friend. We had explored that once. I let him kiss me when I thought I was doing it to save his life. But then I turned around and shut down any chance of it moving forward. I'm not sure why he even keeps me in his life anymore. I always seem to cause him pain.

The shower was warm and felt good on my stiff muscles. After driving all day yesterday, it was much needed. I really need to have a contingency plan if Jacob couldn't fix my truck. I was still a day's drive away from Arizona. I wasn't overly keen on the idea of letting Jacob stick around. I know there are issues for him back in La Push, which were entirely my fault, but I still had personal issues to deal with. It's pretty hard to 'find yourself' when someone is constantly trying to pursue you. Not to mention I still owed it to Edward to be faithful, at least until I was ready to make permanent decisions.

I managed to get ready without waking him up and sat back down on my bed and turned the tv on. I figured I could watch it on low without waking him. If he did happen to wake up, it wouldn't be the end of the world. My stomach growled loudly as to agree with that point. There was absolutely nothing on tv, it must be a hotel thing. I've never been in a hotel and found anything decent to watch, not that I watched much to begin with. I found some tourist brochures on the night stand and began to flip through them. The Siskiyou County Museum seemed mildly interesting, boasting Gold Rush monuments. Though what I was really interested in was getting breakfast and I'm sure Jake would be on the same wavelength.

After about an hour Jacob began to move around more, indicating he was waking up. He sat up suddenly, seeming to have the same sense of confusion I had earlier when he woke me up. I had to stifle a giggle. His hair had the same rat's nest look that mine had when he arrived.

"Well aren't you a sight." I said, mocking what he had said to me last night.

"Gee thanks. You'd think you'd be a little more appreciative of the fact I drove all night to your rescue." Jacob said sitting up in bed, not bothering to fix his hair.

"I do appreciate it Jake. Really, I truly do. Slave for life, remember? You think you want to take a look at my truck or get some breakfast first?" I said, already knowing the answer.

"Two lifetimes I think." he said smirking. "Food is good. Let me jump in the shower real quick." Jacob replied as he got up and walked to the bathroom, not bothering to shut the door all the way behind him.

"You could close that, you know." I called after him. He might not have any sense of boundaries or personal privacy, but I certainly do.

He closed the door, mumbling something I couldn't understand. I started picking up the room just to have something to do. He came out from the bathroom in just a towel.

"Jake! Put some clothes on!"

"Like you haven't seen me without a shirt on before. But hey, I left my bag in my car, would you mind getting it?"

I rolled my eyes, "I could just let _you _go out there in your towel and get it."

He smirked, "I could just let _you _fix your car." Defeated, I went to retrieve his bag.

Once we were both fully dressed we found a Denny's just up the road and stopped to get breakfast. Jacob ordered half of the menu and I settled with pancakes.

"Jake, I'm worried about what will happen if you can't fix my car." Might as well get down to business.

"Well, if it's really bad we have a few options. Unfortunately it isn't worth a whole lot, you wouldn't be able to trade it in for something newer. You could always sell it for scraps and I could take you where ever you want. Or I could take you back to Charlie's and we could figure something else out." Jacob replied. He had a glimmer of hope in his eyes that I would let him tag along.

"Jake I really like my truck. I don't want something else. And it's not that I'm not grateful but I was really suppose to do this on my own." I feel awful even saying that.

His face hardened. "Well if you want to do this on your own I'll just take you back to Charlie."

"Jake please don't be like that. I don't want you to be mad at me too." I said softly. Tears started welling up in my eyes. I couldn't stand the thought of Jacob being angry with me. It was bad enough I had done that to Edward. I didn't want to push him away too. The weight of the enormous effect my decision had been building up. I reached my breaking point.

"Oh Bells, please don't cry. Please. We'll do whatever you want" He got up and sat on my side of the booth, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I nuzzled in closer and let him hold me. Jacob might not be good at saying the right thing all the time but he always managed to find a way to let me know he cared.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "I just don't know how I'm suppose to figure things out with you around. You are my best friend but we both know that isn't what you really want. You let go of the grenade Jake, I'm not sure we can keep things platonic between us."

"Bella I'll be anything you want me to be. If you just need a room mate for a while, I can do that." Jacob said sincerely, giving me a smile. I wanted so much to believe him. He'd told me before that he could just be a friend but then tricked me into kissing him. I liked the idea of having my best friend there to talk to as I figured out what I was going to do.

Right on cue our food arrived.

**

"Bella can you hand me that wrench?" Jacob called from under the hood of my truck. I was sitting in the driver's seat with the door open and a bunch of tools laid out on the seat next to me.

"This one?" I asked holding up the wrench.

"Yes that one." Jacob looked up from the engine. He had grease smeared on his cheek. I walked over and handed it to him and went to wipe it off his face. His hand caught mine as if to keep it there, his eyes boring into mine. My heart skipped a beat, caught by surprise. Just friends my butt...

I dropped my hand and walked back to my seat on the drivers side.

He continued to check various things under the hood like nothing happened. Typical Jacob. That boy could bounce back from anything. I never seemed to be able to deter him.

"I have some bad news Bells." Jacob said as he walked around to the driver's side door, placing a hand on the top of the door and the other on the door jam.

I let out a sigh. "Let me hear it." I said bracing myself for the worst.

"It will cost more than the truck is worth to fix it. I could do it, but you'd be better off getting something newer with less milage. I'm sorry babe." He looked at me expectantly.

"So what do I do?" I asked. I had tried to be prepared for this. I shouldn't be upset, it's just a truck. But it wasn't just the truck. It was that it was broken for good. It was that I was so far from home. It was that I can't be the person I want to be. It was that I'd walked out on Edward. I put my head down on the steering wheel in defeat.

Sensing that I was close to a break down, Jacob took a step towards me. "Bella honey, I know that truck was your first car but this isn't the end of the world. Just sell it for parts and let's move on. I'll follow you where ever."

Of course he was right. For being younger than me, he did a much better job keeping his head on straight. "I guess I can add two years to your age for being able to make decisions like this."

He laughed, "Well I'll subtract two from yours for not getting it checked out before taking this little trip. You could have just asked me to look at it."

"I know" I replied. "So how old does that make us now?"

He pretended to think about it for a minute. "I guess that makes us the perfect age."

Sensing this could turn into another advance on Jacob's part I replied, "I think we have to subtract from your age because you haven't finished high school yet." God I could be so mean to him when I didn't know how to respond. I have got to stop doing this to my Jacob.

He looked conflicted for a minute trying to decide if he should respond or just let it go. "Lets see if there's a scrap yard around here that would be willing to come pick your truck up Bella."

"Sure, sure." I said flatly, which only caused Jacob to smile.

We did manage to find somewhere with a tow truck that was willing to take it. I was only getting $500 from my rusty old truck. It certainly wouldn't buy me anything else so I was going to have to pick between Charlie's and going with Jacob. I did not want to return to Forks. I needed a fresh start, but I wasn't so sure that going with Jacob would be a fresh start. Truth be told, I knew deep down I had wanted him around since he first offered. I was just afraid of what keeping him around would mean. I wasn't too keen on the idea of being completely alone. After all, I'm a complete danger magnet and having a werewolf around might not be a bad idea. And my sunny Jake was always willing to listen, even if it was to things I know hurt for him to hear.

We stood in the motel parking lot and watched the tow truck take away mine. I wrapped my arms around my body and felt Jacob slide up beside me and wrap his arm around my shoulder. It was completely ridiculous to him, but I knew he understood I was upset. He might have even known I was upset in more ways than one.

A/N: Ugh. I think this chapter was crap. I'm sorry it took so long for me to write it. Within the next two chapters or so things should start getting good. Fluffy possibly lemony good. On a better note, the movie comes out tonight 12:01 :)


	8. Breaking

_We stood in the motel parking lot and watched the tow truck take away mine. I wrapped my arms around my body and felt Jacob slide up beside me and wrap his arm around my shoulder. It was completely ridiculous to him, but I knew he understood I was upset. He might have even known I was upset in more ways than one._

Jacob and I stayed one more night in the roadside motel in Yreka, California. By the time we were done dealing with my truck it was the evening and I figured getting an early start in the morning was a better idea. I walked around on eggshells that night in the hotel room. Jacob seemed to have come to the conclusion that this was a big step forward for us, us as a single entity. I caught him looking at me hopefully, full of happiness. It absolutely killed me. I had been away from Edward for several weeks now, seemingly doing fine, but I was at my breaking point. I cried myself to sleep after Jacob had begun snoring. I missed him. I missed my husband.

We checked out at 6 am sharp. I wanted to be to Arizona by mid-day. The first few hours in the car went by in silence. I slept, or at least pretended to, while he drove. Once it was so bright out I couldn't fake it any longer we lapsed into uneasy conversation. Jacob was trying to avoid talking about his falling out with the pack and I was trying to avoid leading him on. He kept talking about the different things he wanted to see and do with me and I was less than enthusiastic about it. I wanted to be able to throw myself head first into all his fantasies about the fun and experiences we could share together, I just couldn't, something felt wrong.

About 1:30 in the afternoon we pulled into a gas station in Flagstaff, Arizona. I was jarred from my trance staring out the window when I remembered that Renee had a good friend, Mona, that was living in Flagstaff.

"Jake? Would you mind if I settled on Flagstaff instead of Phoenix?" I called out the rolled down window.

"Sure, sure. It's all the same to me." He replied with a smile. Apparently he hadn't noticed that I said I wanted to settle here. I didn't include 'us' or 'we' in my statement. I felt my heart drop. I'd already had a conversation with someone I love about how I needed to not be with them, I didn't want to have the same conversation with Jacob.

"I'll give Renee a call and get directions to her house." I replied. I'll leave the difficult stuff for later. I managed to avoid an uncomfortable conversation with my mom about why I was in Arizona and who I was with by promising to call her later once I'd sorted things out. It was ironic that both Renee and I had left someone back in Forks to run away to Arizona.

We pulled out and headed to Mona's house. I simply told Jake that she was a friend of my mom's that might be able to help me find somewhere to stay. Again, he didn't notice the singular tense.

Mona lived a few blocks from Northern Arizona University, just outside of the student ghetto area. Her husband was a physics professor and she stayed home with their two kids. Renee must have called ahead to warn her I was coming because she was sitting out on the front porch waiting for me. She had been a good friend to Renee when she first left Forks with me, it only seemed fitting that she'd want to help me in a very similar situation.

I got out of the car, stretching my legs a little, and greeted Mona with a hug. She was much shorter than I remembered, reminding me painfully of Alice. Short, thin, and full of spirit and advice even when you didn't want to hear it.

"Bella! It's great to see you darling!" She said as she wrapped me into a hug. Dropping her voice a little she continued , "And you've brought a friend. A tall, dark, handsome friend. I seem to remember Renee describing Edward differently."

"This is my best friend from Forks, Jacob Black." I said gesturing toward Jacob who had been casually leaning against his car in the driveway. "He kindly offered to help me out when my truck died back in California." I said flashing him a smile.

Her eyes shown with questions, questions I would certainly have to answer to both Mona and Renee later that night. Jacob sauntered over to shake her hand enthusiastically grinning at her like only Jacob can. And we both followed her into the house.

We sat at the kitchen table while she insisted we allow her to throw together something to eat. I sat in my chair nervously wringing my hands in my lap, trying to avoid Jacob's eye and answer Mona's questions about Charlie, Forks, the Cullens, and my plans the best I could. I told her I was hoping to find somewhere in the area to hang out for a while. I wanted to get a job and possibly start taking classes at Northern Arizona at the beginning of the spring semester. I hadn't planned any of this prior to sitting in her kitchen. Once I started the lies just poured out of my mouth. The more I thought about it, the better of an idea it seemed. Why shouldn't I stay? Getting a degree wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. I could tell she was itching to ask me more about my situation with Edward directly but with Jacob taking up a massive amount of space in her tiny kitchen, she was trying to be polite.

After about 15 minutes of Jacob merely observing the small talk between Mona and I he interjected, "Hey Bells, do you think I could borrow your cell phone? Mine died and I should call Billy."

"Yeah, sure, here." I said reaching into my purse and pulling out my phone to hand to him.

"Thanks Bells." He said giving me a smile and walking back out to the front porch. Mona's eyes followed him out the door.

As soon as the door shut behind him she said, "Bella I don't know what exactly is going on but I sure hope you have an explanation for that diamond on your left hand and your incredibly attractive Indian Man that was just in my kitchen."

I couldn't help but laugh at her comment of Jacob as my Indian Man. "Ok here's the deal. Edward and his family had put me into a position that I wasn't comfortable with so I left. Not permanently. I guess. I was in Forks for a while and couldn't stand it and decided to drive to Phoenix. My truck died in Yreka and Jake came to get me." I blurted out as quickly as possible, hoping it was like a band aid and faster would be less painful.

Mona looked at me for a minute, her head clearly trying to make sense of what I had just said. "So you aren't with Edward right now? Are you with Jake?"

"No. Not exactly. I know he'd like to be, but I'm not interested in that right now." I said meekly.

"Well honey he certainly thinks you are. Have you seen that boy watch you? He's crazy about you! I've known him for all of 20 minutes and I can see that." She said shaking her head at me slowly.

"I know. Things might have been different if it weren't for Edward." I said trying to explain.

"Well from what I'm seeing, Edward is out of the picture." Mona replied and then altered, "But that wasn't too long ago either..."

"I know. Do you think you could help me out? I just need somewhere to stay until I get on my feet." I asked. Deciding to play up on her compassionate side, I added, "You were so great for Renee when she left Charlie. She always talks about how much she appreciates you." Lord I was shameless at this point...

She looked at me, pretending to be mad at me for going with that angle, but her face softened. "Of course honey. Of course. We've got a guest house out back actually. It's a little in disrepair but it'll work for now. What are you going to do with Jacob?"

I sighed. Jacob. My Jacob. I needed to get my head straight and stop involving him in all of the messes I seem to create. "I'll talk to him. I'll just have to explain that I need to do what's best for me right now." My heart tore in half to even say that. She came over and gave me a quick hug just as Jake walked back into the room.

"I'm not interrupting anything am I?" Jacob said carefully.

"No, not at all. Girl stuff." I said shrugging him off.

"Hey Bells, do you mind if I see you outside for a second?" He asked. He didn't look right. Something had happened on the phone with Billy, that was clearly evident.

"Sure, sure." I said smiling at him as I followed him back out the door. I could feel Mona's eyes on my back as I walked out the door. That was one thing that was annoying about Mona, she was even better at reading people and between the lines than Renee was.

Jacob took my hand and pulled me down to the first step of the porch. We sat down, our knees touching because he was so massive and took up so much space. We sat like that for what seemed like forever but was probably only a few seconds.

Finally he turned and looked at me, taking my hands in his. "Bella, please be honest with me. What do you want?"

He looked at me expectantly. I felt sick to my stomach. His dark eyes were so full of concern, not worried about what I was going to say to him, but about my well being. Jacob has always been a glutton for pain when it came to my feelings and it absolutely killed me. I deserved Jacob even less than I deserved Edward. Edward was at least able to let me go when it was best for me. Jacob wasn't able to let me go even when it was best for him, he always put me first.

"I'm going to stay here with Mona. She's letting me stay in her guest house. I think I want to try college, you know, be human." I hadn't answered his question directly. I didn't want to.

"Ok. I can live with that." Jacob said slowly, still looking at me intently. "But what do you want Bells? You were quiet the rest of the way here. Don't think I didn't notice that you were unwilling to commit to any future that had the two of us together, even as friends. I need to know Bella. You're killing me over here."

I had to fight back tears. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves someone that can love him and make him happy. Clearly, I don't know how to do that. "I want to figure myself out Jake." I hesitated. "And, and I think I have to do that alone." My words cut my heart like a knife as I saw the light and love in Jacob's eyes fade instantly.

"I was afraid of that. But I should have known. I've always known that I would never be good enough for you in your eyes." He said, his voice thick and he let my hands drop from his.

"Jacob don't you ever say that! Don't you see? That's the problem. You are too good for me. I don't deserve how you've treated me, what a good friend you've been for me regardless of what I've put you through." I said grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to look at me. I was fighting back tears because I wanted him to see the truth of my words shining in my eyes.

He searched my face for a moment and looked away. I felt the world sinking. It couldn't have been later than 2:30 in the afternoon but I no longer saw the sun. The world had become black as midnight on a moonless night. I felt cold.

"Bella, just promise me this will make you happy. I can't leave without knowing that you'll be happy."

I didn't know how to answer. I had no idea if this was going to make me happy. I didn't know happiness outside of Edward and Jacob and I was telling them both to leave. I didn't want to lead him on or cause anymore pain. He had said things to me that had been gut wrenching for him. He had showed up at my wedding to another man because he loved me. I lied. I had to protect him. "Yes Jake. This will make me happy."

He threw his arms around me and buried his face in my hair. His body shook with silent tears. I held him back with all the strength I had. I could only hope that I would be able to convey how much I loved him, how much I cared about him, how much I appreciated him. I just hope it would be enough.

He broke away and grabbed me by the shoulders. His dark eyes bore into mine. Tears were still running down his face. I reached up to brush them away and his hand caught mine. This time I let him hold it. He held it close to his face, closing his eyes and breathing it in. He turned his head, his hand still covering mine, and kissed it deeply before turning back to me. A fresh round of tears fell down his cheeks and he leaned in and gently pressed his lips to mine.

Once he broke away I instantly missed his warmth. I wanted so badly to kiss him back, to beg him to stay, but I couldn't put him through whatever process I needed to go through. He looked at me one more time and walked over to his car. He set my bags gently down on the porch and turned to go. Without thinking I flung my arms around him. He engulfed me in an air tight hug. The only thing I could see, feel, or breath was Jacob. He placed a kiss on the top of my head and leaned down to whisper in my ear, "I'll never stop loving you Bella Swan."

He ripped himself out of my vice grip and got into his car without looking back. He backed out and speed down the street.

I stood there in the walkway crying until Mona came out to find me. I couldn't get the look on his face out of my head. It looked like goodbye but as soon as he was gone, I didn't want it to be goodbye.

**

The following fall was incredibly difficult and I was grateful that I had Mona for support. I had eventually told Renee that I had left Edward on a trial separation though I had since decided that it was for the best if it were more permanent. I was too cowardly to track him down and ask for a divorce. I didn't want to have to admit that I had made a mistake or that I wasn't in love with him. I was very much still in love with him. I missed him every night but it wasn't the same type of missing him when he left me after my 18th birthday. If I was honest with myself, I missed feeling like I was head over heels in love with someone and that they felt the same way about me. I missed the idea of him.

Mona helped me find a job as a waitress at an upscale Italian restaurant near campus. Eventually I had enough money to get my own place but she insisted that I stay and save my money for college. In the beginning when I told her that I was planning on going to school I didn't whole heartedly mean it but my perspective had changed. Waitressing paid the bills but it wasn't a career. I finished my degree in three years at Northern Arizona University majoring in journalism and communications.

Jacob didn't talk to me until the Christmas after he drove away. I had never been very religious but I prayed every night that someone would keep him safe and make him happy. I fell asleep most nights with the charm he had made for me in my hand. He returned to the reservation but hadn't made up with Sam. He wouldn't talk about it, but I could tell things were difficult for him. He went from school to doing odd jobs around La Push to back home, not really spending a lot of time around anyone else. I knew it had something to do with the pack but he would just change the subject when I tried to bring it up. It broke my heart to hear my sunny Jacob was a shadow of himself. I felt guilty, but sick with myself that I didn't feel guilty enough to do much else but call him every few days.

Shortly after he graduated from high school he left the reservation and Billy wouldn't give me a number I could reach him

My recovery was a long time coming. I was finally to the point that I wasn't crying myself to sleep over either Edward or Jacob. I wasn't looking over my shoulder checking to see if either one would return and open old wounds. About a year after I left Forks I stopped wearing my wedding ring. I kept it in a box in the drawer of my night stand. Even when I needed the money, I couldn't imagine parting with it. After all, I was technically still married. I even managed to go out on a few dates, nothing turned out to be serious.

After graduating I bounced around the U.S. Changing states every few months, New Hampshire, Indiana, Georgia, New York, Missouri, nothing seemed to fit. It was too cold, too big, too sunny, too different. I found a position on Craig's List for an open position in Mackinac Island, Michigan as a newspaper editor. I had done some freelance writing, nothing major, so I was pleasantly surprised when I was offered the job. The island was located between the northern and southern peninsulas of Michigan and was mostly known for tourism. It was an auto free island and the slow, Victorian charm seemed endearing. Perhaps it would be the new beginning I was looking for....

_A/N: And we are FINALLY to the part of the story I've been looking forward to. Don't worry, Jacob will show up again soon :) Please review! _


	9. Mustang

_Perhaps it would be the new beginning I was looking for... _

I heard a knock at the door of my rented cottage and flew into overdrive. It couldn't be 6:00 yet, could it? I had only been living on the Island for three weeks, but somehow I had been conned into a date. Joe was working at the fort for the summer, as he had done the past three summers. I found out quickly how expensive living in a tourist area could be and took a second job working a few nights a week at a local restaurant. I was just so thrilled to have a college degree and still be waiting tables. Joe came in on my first day by himself. He was very sweet, ever the gentleman so I had agreed to going out with him. I didn't know a soul on the island except my land lord. She is a very crabby old woman and hardly someone I would be interested in getting coffee with. Even if this didn't turn out to go anywhere romantically, perhaps I could make a friend.

I gave up finding my pearl earrings and grabbed my purse off the bed. I stumbled in the hallway trying to put on my heels and walk at the same time and I heard him laugh from the front porch. The day I waited on him he learned all too well the clumsiness that is Bella Swan. I had agreed to go out on a date with him to make up for spilling water in his lap. Honestly, it's amazing I even get tips.

"Well good evening Ms. Swan, don't you look lovely tonight?" Joe said as he opened the door and grabbed my hand to escort me out. He was shorter than the guys I was used to dating, only about 5'8 but he had a confident charm to make up for it. He had sandy brown hair and startling blue eyes, very good looking.

"Thanks" I replied with a smile. I looked around expectantly for his car before I began to blush. This whole lack of cars is going to take some getting used to.

He noticed the confused look on my face and smiled, "I figured you wouldn't be wearing sensible shoes so taking bikes was definitely out of the question. I was hoping we could walk down main street to a fun little pub the guys and I frequent."

"That sounds great." I replied enthusiastically. I was relieved to hear we wouldn't be going to some of the more romantic and intimate restaurants on main street. That would have been way too much pressure. I hadn't been overly interested in finding someone romantically since I left Edward. It seemed dishonest and I couldn't ever get my heart into it. I did have some hope for Joe, he seemed good natured, down to earth, and not looking for anything serious.

It was about a ten minute walk to the restaurant, but very pleasant. All of the buildings had a Victorian Era charm and Joe had spent enough time on the island to know a little bit of history about everything. It still was amazing to me, after having been gone from Forks for three years, that I could take a 10 minute walk without fear of being rained on.

We stopped at the Mustang Lounge and I could hear the good natured laughs from the sidewalk. Just what I was hoping for, no romantic pressure. We found a booth in the corner and proceeded to order. Most of the food on the menu was local and I was once again glad to have Joe's expertise on everything Mackinac.

"So Bella, we've talked plenty about the island, when do I get to hear about you?" Joe asked peering at me over a glass of beer.

"Umm... what exactly do you want to know?" I asked timidly. This is exactly how my previous dates had turned into a disaster. Mona had pressured me into going out with various guys her husband new from the University, she loved playing match maker. Looking back on it, most of it was too soon. I'd always end up tearing up when asked about Forks or I'd get caught in my lies about being previously married or why I left. Most guys at 21 saw that as way too much baggage. Heck, even I thought I had too much baggage.

"Well you told me how you took the newspaper editor job and that you went to college in Arizona but there has to be more to Bella Swan than that." He said encouragingly.

Right on cue, the food arrived giving me enough time to decide how much information I wanted to divulge. I had gone the route of telling the truth once before, resulting in my date walking out. I had also gone the opposite route of lying about it, which had similar effects. I decided honesty was going to be my new mantra.

"Ok I'll give you my entire history if you promise not to freak out." I bargained, altering everything to everything you'd believe in my head.

"Of course. I can't imagine you could have done anything that was bad enough to make me walk out. You're a smart, beautiful woman, I'd have to be crazy to do that." Joe smiled back at me. I had to shake away the thought of him walking out. It wouldn't be the first time...

"My parents are divorced and I grew up with my mother, Rene, in Arizona until she remarried and I decided to go live with my dad, Charlie in Washington. Barely a two months into my junior year of high school I met Edward Cullen who the summer after my senior year, became my husband." His eyes widened in surprise by that statement. "We had a major disagreement about lifestyle choice and I left and ended up in Flagstaff, Arizona where I finished my degree. I've pretty much been a tumbleweed ever since."

"Married, huh? He must have been a fool to let you go that easily." He said with a smirk. I breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps I looked like I had learned something from my teenage mistakes. "Lifestyle choices? Did he turn into an alcoholic or something?"

"No, that's not it at all. We were both just really young and I made a mistake. I guess loving someone doesn't necessarily mean they are the best thing for you. Edward and his family were absolutely amazing to me, it just wasn't the right time in my life for that." I replied.

It was honest enough, the Cullens were amazing and I still do love Edward. Mona had helped me reach the conclusion that love isn't always enough to keep everything together. There has to be more in a relationship than just love. Equality being a big issue, something I wasn't sure I'd ever be ready for with Edward.

We moved on to more pleasant topics. Being the nice guy that he is, Joe sensed my hesitation to go into much detail about my marriage to Edward. We had just finished dinner and ordered another round of cocktails when I heard the most, wonderful, booming, musical laugh coming from the bar. I looked over and my heart skipped a beat. There was just no way, not possible. At the farthest end of the bar from our booth was a very tall, dark haired man. From the back I wouldn't have been able to place him but his laugh, I'd know that laugh anywhere.

My stomach dropped and I felt like I would hyperventilate. I had prayed that he would be safe and happy and often thought about getting to see him again. Each time I dreamed about it the scenario was different. Maybe I'd go back to visit Charlie and he'd be sitting on the too small couch watching football or I'd run into him at a grocery store. He'd always be happy and content, no ill feeling towards me. That would only happen in a fairytale, I had done way too much to him for him to ever be happy to see me. I felt frozen, completely at a loss as to what I should do. Should I go say something? Hope he doesn't notice me? Holy crow! I'm on a date! What will he think?

"Bella are you ok? You look like you've seen a ghost?" Joe reached across the table to take my hand, concerned.

I shook my head slowly, trying to make everything make sense. I snapped out of my reverie and replied, "Yes... yes, sorry. I just.. I think I know that man at the end of the bar. We were good friends when we were younger and kind of drifted apart. This is just the last place I would have expected to see him."

Joe smiled at me, "Would you like to go say hello? I wouldn't mind meeting an old friend of yours."

Joe was just too sweet. And I was awfully afraid of how my "old friend" would react. Temperamental was practically his middle name. I knew I wasn't getting out of here without saying something to him. I took a deep drink from my glass, liquid courage, and said, " Would you mind if I said hi to him first? I think he is going to be a little surprised to see me and I don't want to spring too much on him at one time."

Joe looked slightly confused by my last statement but nodded his head in consent, flashing me one more bright smile. I took a deep breath, set my shoulders back, lifted my head and attempted to walk across to him with confidence and grace. I thought to myself maybe if I seem confident, I'll find a way to act it too. Truth be told, my insides had turned to butterflies. I wasn't sure I could handle the look on his beautiful face if he wasn't happy to see me.

A few paces from his place at the bar he turned to his buddy sitting on his right and caught a glimpse of me walking towards him. He did a double take, his eyes wide and his jaw hanging open slightly. I took one more deep breath and managed a smile, "Hi Jake...."

**A/N: Flame away, I am a terrible person for not updating this earlier. I could give you a million excuses about how they upped my hours at work and finals are next week and I've been busy but I'll just stick with I'm really sorry. I'm starting the next chapter this very moment so hopefully you'll have it by this time tomorrow night. Ps. I really need a beta, even if it's just to kick my butt and keep me on a time schedule. Any takers? Thanks and please review! **


	10. Mission

_A few paces from his place at the bar he turned to his buddy sitting on his right and caught a glimpse of me walking towards him. He did a double take, his eyes wide and his jaw hanging open slightly. I took one more deep breath and managed a smile, "Hi Jake...."_

He stared at me for a fraction of a second, as if unsure what to say, before breaking into a smile "Bella! What in the world are you doing here? Last I knew you were in Arizona. I just figured you would stay there or go to Florida with Renee. Oh! These are my buddies, Dan and Jack." He said gesturing to the two guys on either side of him.

I was stunned and slightly perplexed by Jacob's casual air he spoke to me with. I wasn't really sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. I figured he would either become really angry, cause a scene, and storm out, or pull me into one of his signature bone crushing hugs. This was miles away from either. He was talking to me like I was simply an old acquaintance from high school that he was pleasantly surprised to see. It felt wrong to me, Jake and I had far too much history for him to treat me like that. Quite frankly, it hurt. I had no right to feel that way, I had caused him so much pain in the past. If anything I should be glad that he had so clearly moved on and was accepting of the way things are. I just couldn't seem to shake the feeling that this was just wrong.

If that was the game he wanted to play, fine. We'll play that game. I owe him that much. "I'm actually the new newspaper editor of the Mackinac Island Town Crier. I found the job on Craig's List and took a chance. It's really great to see you. I was worried when Billy said you left and wouldn't tell me where you had gone..." I trailed off at the end, hoping he would have an explanation for his disappearance.

"Yeah, I've been wandering doing odd jobs here and there. I'm actually working for Shepler's Ferry right now with this two guys." He replied giving the blond on his right guy a nudge in the arm. "It's great, I get to be out in the sun all day and the lake is so much different than the Pacific. But hey, it was great to see you again, I think your date is probably missing you. Take care Bells." He said as he returned to his beer.

All I could do is stand there with my mouth open and stare at him. Clearly he did not want to have this conversation with me right now. He might not even want to have it at all. I couldn't blame him. I felt like an idiot. I had no reason to expect he would be glad to see me or want to talk with me all night. I should be glad with the way he handled that. I suddenly remembered Joe sitting at the table, probably watching me and walked back over and sat down.

Joe eyed me cautiously over the table before taking my hand. "Come on, lets go for a walk. It's getting kind of stuffy in here."

"Thanks, that would be great." I said gathering my purse.

It had definitely cooled down and I walked back with my arms wrapped tightly around myself. I had worn a simple black cocktail dress and hadn't thought to bring a sweater to throw on. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and rubbed my arm, trying to warm me up. It felt so platonic. I wasn't sure if the connection just wasn't there or I was too focused on what had just occurred between Jacob and I.

Joe didn't press for any details and for that I was thankful. I had no idea how to begin to explain what I was feeling at the moment, I wasn't even sure how I felt. He told me about growing up in southern Michigan and his family. All very appropriate conversation for a first date. I tried to stay focused on what he was saying but I kept drifting. Was it really coincidence that I ran into Jake here? Fate? Should I try to talk to him again, preferably without an audience?

I didn't even realize that Joe had walked me back to my little yellow cottage until I was standing on my front porch. He was staring at me tentatively as if trying to feel out my emotions. I caught myself staring back at him. He had gorgeous blue eyes, always sparkling, they just seemed wrong. Almost icy. There was an earthy warmth missing...

"I had a great time tonight Bella. I'd really like to see you again." He said taking a step closer.

"I did too, Joe. I'd like that. Sorry about running into Jake, that kind of killed things." I said, my eyes shifting down to the ground.

"Don't worry about it. Next time we'll do something a little more quite. I'll call you." He said as he stepped forward and took my hand giving it a kiss and walking away.

I was so thankful he kissed my hand and not my lips. Lord I wasn't ready for that at all. I thought I was, I even thought I would like it from Joe, then Jake turned up. It didn't seem right moving forward with a relationship with someone else when I didn't know where I stood with my best friend.

He _was _your best friend. My mind altered for me. I'm just awesome at screwing things up for everyone else. It was still early but I wasn't really in the mood for doing a whole lot. The main streets of the island kind of shut down after 9:00. I'd spent enough time to know there were local spots I could go to that the tourists didn't know about, but I really wanted to be alone.

It was only about 9:00 by the time I crawled into bed but I was physically and mentally exhausted. As much as I thought I would, I did not fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Instead I lay staring at my ceiling, vaguely aware of the breeze blowing in from the harbor. I had to make things right between Jacob and I. I couldn't have him acting so indifferent towards me. It was incredibly selfish, but I couldn't stand it. He was my Jacob. It just wasn't right. _Was _my Jacob... God what have I done?

I woke up the next day incredibly stiff. I had tossed and turned all night. At one point I had convinced myself that walking over to his house and demanding he talked to me would be the best course of action. That is until I realized I have no idea where he is staying. I knew the general area, all the seasonal workers tend to stay in a general neighborhood but I wouldn't make any friends standing outside in my pajamas calling out to him in the middle of the night.

Standing in the shower, letting the warm water work out the tension in my muscles I decided after I had stopped by the newspaper office and got some work done I'd venture down to the ferry docks. That was probably the best way to get a hold of him. I had no idea what I wanted to say still. I'm sorry? I made a huge mistake? I am an awful person?

All of those seemed appropriate enough. Though I wasn't sure I even deserved to say that much. If he was happy and content what right did I have to disrupt that?

_You don't know he's happy and content_. The small voice in the back of my head whispered back.

I had long since stopped listening to that voice. It seemed to only lead to trouble. Though this time it might have a point. When he first saw me there was a flash of something. He was hiding something. I'd let my curiosity get the better of me, I have to know.

The best part of being editor of the Mackinac Island Town Crier is that it practically ran itself. Julie, the assistant editor, had been working there for 10 years. I have no idea why she didn't take the head editor job. She knew exactly which stories had been published before, which events would be the "must cover" events of the season. I had a few cosmetic opinions, new spins on things that I wanted to see done. All I had to do was mention them and Julie already had it done. In fact, she had it done _better _than I originally thought. It hardly seemed like work at all.

Thanks to Julie, it was easy to find an excuse to take a walk down to the harbor. There were a few different ferry services that shuttled tourists and locals back and forth from the island to the mainland. There was little in terms of shopping, other than souvenir shops, on the island so bi weekly grocery trips to the main land were necessary.

I felt silly standing down by the harbor, trying not to get trampled by the tourists trying to find their luggage and the direction to their hotel rooms. I kept hoping I would catch a glimpse of a tall, russet colored man unloading luggage or tying up a ferry. After about an hour I gave up and headed back to the office.

I sat behind my desk mindlessly flipping through some articles that Julie had left me. It wouldn't have been hard for him to avoid me indefinitely. There was just as much commotion going on back on the mainland. Jake wouldn't ever even have to come back to the island. For all I know he packed up and left. My mood became more solemn

_Knock Knock_. "Hey Bella, is everything ok?" Julie said as she tentatively peered in.

I snapped out of my internal conversation and looked up at her. "Yeah, I'm fine. I was just doing some thinking."

"Are you sure? You've managed to fringe every edge of that article you're holding" Julie said smiling at me, concerned.

I looked down at my hands. Sure enough I had. I didn't even realize I had been doing much of anything. "Oh, so I have."

"You looked a little off this morning and I thought going for a walk earlier would have helped but it doesn't seem to have. You seem worse, hun."

Damn Julie and her perceptiveness. Damn all my friends for being so perceptive. Honest is your new mantra, remember? "Yeah I ran into an old friend last night on my date with Joe." Her eyes seemed to widen upon that revelation. Apparently I had forgotten to mention my date. She just nodded her head encouraging me to continue. "We were really close and it was just weird running into him. Things didn't go quite as I had expected." I paused, took a deep breath, "He pretty much shrugged me off and it's been really bothering me."

She walked over to the chair sitting opposite of my desk and sat down. "That's always tough. But I think there might be more going on here than you're telling me."

Of course there was. And of course she had to notice. "Yeah...." I trailed off. I looked down at my hands folded in my lap for a few moments. "He was in love with me. He helped me through some tough times. I pretty much abandoned him."

Julie looked me over carefully. Trying to decide how far to push the conversation. " Well, you know he might have been just as surprised to see you. Maybe he wasn't ready to deal with the confrontation just yet. Men are really good at hiding their emotions. I'm sure he'll come around."

I hoped she was right. I had no reason to feel any claim to Jacob but I did. It hurt me that I had hurt him. I didn't realize it for the past four years but I truly missed having him around. Having my best friend. I was so wrapped up in my problems, trying to get over Edward, trying to put myself back on a path of the living, that I didn't notice it. The nights I spent crying myself to sleep weren't only over Edward, they were over Jacob as well.

"Do you know where he's staying?" Julie urged.

"No. He's working at Shepler's though." I said looking back up at her.

"Well in that case,_ I _do." She replied smugly. "The boys working for Shepler's always stay in the big blue house down by Mission Pointe. The road behind main street."

I knew exactly where she was talking about. It didn't feel right though to go to his house. If he didn't want to see me he had every right not to. Intruding on his home didn't seem right at all.

_He doesn't know where you're staying either_. The voice in my head replied back.

Yes but he knows where I work. I reminded it. I needed to stop having conversations with myself.

"I don't know if that would be a good idea Julie. If he doesn't want to see me I shouldn't force myself on him." I replied.

"Of course he wants to see you. Men never know what they want. Even after you tell them." She said throwing her arms up in the air and smiling at me.

I just rolled my eyes and grinned. That sounded like Jake. Even after he had made up his mind, he didn't always know it. That was all I needed. I would go and try to see him again.

**A/N: Thank you to everyone that reviews or adds me to favorites/subscribes, I really, truly appreciate it. Would you like it if I replied to the reviews? Make it a little more interactive? I added some links in my profile to various places on the island, you should check it out. My fanfic recommendation for the night, "A Downright Disgrace" by velvetglo. I'm seriously in love. **


	11. Truth

_I just rolled my eyes and grinned. That sounded like Jake. Even after he had made up his mind, he didn't always know it. That was all I needed. I would go and try to see him again._

I went home not long after that. Thanks to Julie being absolutely amazing, she had most of the articles for the next few weeks lined up before I even took the job. June always marked Lilac Festival on the island which drew thousands of people to the island. It was by far the biggest event to cover of the year, other than the end of the season wrap up which would be more for the locals than the tourists. The dynamic of balancing tourist and local interests seemed daunting when I took the job but Julie guided me perfectly in that endeavor.

I made myself a quiet dinner and curled up on the couch to read. The library on the island was unimpressive but it was stocked with my favorites. I tried to get lost in Jane Austen's _Emma_. The character always made me think of Alice, meddling in things that she ought not to. Hard as I tried, I just couldn't get into the story.

I was determined to go talk to Jacob tomorrow. I figured I'd show up at his house around 7 pm. The last of the ferries left the island for the night at 6:30 so he'd be home by then, as long as he wasn't avoiding me by staying on the main land. I'd just have to try my hardest to keep myself occupied until then.

I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for surprising him in public like that. I pretty much cornered him and I shouldn't have been surprised that he acted so short with me. Invading his personal space might not be the best choice either but this was just eating away at me. There has to be a reason he doesn't want to talk to me. If he hates me and never wants to see me again, so be it, I just want to hear it from him.

I woke up with bags under my eyes. Two nights of restless sleep had not been kind to me. Unfortunately last night was just a prelude to what the rest of the day would bring. I couldn't seem to find enough monotonous things to do around the office. I went home and made dinner only to find myself too nervous to eat. I put it away in the refrigerator for tomorrow.

I chose to walk to Jacob's house rather than take my bike. I didn't really trust myself to be able to make it back without a catastrophe if things didn't turn out so well. I was about halfway from downtown and Mission Pointe, so it wasn't too far of a walk. I was actually starting to develop decently athletic looking legs from all the walking I had done since I moved here.

The huge blue house loomed in the distance. A foreboding omen. Pull yourself together Bella, it's only Jacob. How bad could it possibly be?

Bad. It could be bad. He could tell me that I ruined his life and he never wanted to see me again. That would be the worst imaginable outcome.

I tried to steel my nerves and walked up to the front door. I hesitated for a moment before knocking on the screen door. I could vaguely hear the rustle of fabric, lulled voices, and feet moving on hardwood floor. The blonde I had seen sitting next to Jake at the bar the other night answered the door.

"Can I help you?" he asked slowly. Apparently he had remembered me. I could only imagine how Jacob explained me to him.

"Hi. I was just wondering if Jake was around? I hoped to speak with him." I asked, praying he was in a charitable mood.

"He's actually not here right now. Would you like me to let him know you dropped by?" he replied.

"Sure. Just let him know Bella stopped by." I answered, defeated. I turned to walk away when I heard footsteps thundering on the wood floors. I turned around to see, hoping that it was Jacob and he decided he did want to talk, only to be confronted by a sight I would never have imagined in a million years. Dumbfounded I could only stare.

I was standing face to face with none other than Leah Clearwater. My stomach sank and my pulse quickened. Leah and I had never been overly friendly with one another. Leah and Jacob hadn't been overly close either, but from the look on her face, that might have changed.

She glared at me, mustering hate from the bowels of hell that only Leah could manage. Sneering at me she said, "Boy do you have some nerve showing up here. He came home the other night, drunk off his ass mumbling about how he ran into you. I didn't think you could possibly be stupid enough to repeat that little reunion. Apparently you are."

"I... I... I had just hoped I could speak with him. I.. uhhh... Things didn't go exactly like I had thought they would." I stuttered. Jacob came home drunk? He must have been more upset at seeing me than he led on.

"I uh, I uh... whatever Bella. You still have some nerve. Didn't go how you expected? Like he was going to welcome you back with open arms? Go back to whatever leech loving hole you crawled out of." She spat out.

"Leah I'm really sorry for coming here like this. I just wanted to see if I could make things right. I have been horrible to him and I don't deserve him. He has always been nothing but a friend to me. I really screwed up." I said, hanging my head in shame.

"Damn right you screwed up! Do you have any idea what he gave up for you? How long he defended you? What that cost him? Of course not! You had him save your ass in California and decided you had no more use for him. Be glad he only shrugged you off, I would have done much worse." She said seething at me. She slammed the door for effect and I could hear her footsteps thunder across the floor once more.

Not wanting to be caught up in her wrath again I stumbled my way back down the path leading to the sidewalk. My eyes were flooding with tears. I knew something wasn't right when I saw him the other night. I knew that wasn't my Jacob. Now I just wasn't sure who my Jacob was. Leah seemed pretty adamant that seeing me was not the best thing for him. If it was going to cause him any pain then she was absolutely right. I had received far more than I deserved from Jacob. I wouldn't ask anymore of him.

My eyes were so blurred with tears I didn't even realize where I was going. It wasn't until I ran into a brick wall that I decided I should look up and pay attention.

Except it wasn't a brick wall after all.

"Bella?" a voice from the past asked. It sounded different from how I remembered, more grown up. "Bella, are you ok?"

I felt him put his arm around my shoulder and looked up into the very dark features I had been obsessing over the past few days. The jet black hair, white teeth in contrast to his russet skin. Except it wasn't Jacob, it was Seth.

Tears flowing freely, I had no idea what to say. He guided me over to a nearby bench and sat down next to me. "Bella, please say something."

"I ran into your sister." I replied quietly, trying to keep the sobs out of my voice.

"Ah" he said knowingly. Apparently I had been a hot topic of discussion the past few days. "I bet she wasn't too happy to see you." He looked me over for a minute and gave me a small smile. "If it means anything, I'm glad you ran into me. It's good to see you."

Still crying I replied, "It's good to see you too, Seth. I'm really sorry for all this. I never meant to cause all this grief."

He kept his arm around my shoulder and proceeded, " I know you didn't. But that doesn't change the fact that it happened. I think it'll just take a while for him to come around. Don't worry about Leah, her bark is worse than her bite... sort of." He amended.

"She said I made things pretty difficult for Jake after I left. Seth what did I do?" I asked.

He looked away from me, unsure how to proceed. "I don't know if I'm the person you should be talking to about this." He hesitated. "Jake made things pretty rough for himself. It's not really my story to tell."

He was probably right. Jacob was the person I needed to talk to about this. Though it didn't look like Jacob was remotely in the mind set to give me any answers right now. "Well what brings you here then?" I asked. I hoped changing the subject would allow me to calm down.

"Uhh... Well my story is pretty well tied to Jake's." He looked at me carefully again. Against his better judgement he went on. "Alright. So after coming back from Arizona Jake had to deal with Sam, who wasn't very happy with him at all for 'gallivanting across the country' to be with you. Sam told him that he had responsibilities on the Rez and leaving on your whim wasn't an option. Jacob didn't take very well to that at all. He was still pretty upset about how things had turned out in Arizona and he snapped on Sam. You should have seen him; I've never seen Jacob so mad. I think it topped your wedding." I gave him a pained smile and he continued.

"Jacob told Sam that he was through with the pack and didn't want to be tied to the reservation for the rest of his life. Jacob really made Sam mad when he said he was sick of his feelings being treated second class because he hadn't imprinted. Sam said some...not very nice things about you and Jake told him he was done. Sam ordered him to stop but Jake just kept walking"

I shook my head slightly, "I don't understand what this has to do with you."

"Well, you see, Sam is the alpha, you don't disobey the alpha and stay in the pack."

"Jake mentioned something about that in California." I said confused.

"Yeah, they fought when he left, but it wasn't nearly as bad. I think Sam figured things would go back to normal when Jake came back." Seth clarified.

If possible, I felt so much worse than I had after talking to Leah. Leah was scary but hearing the truth from Seth made me sick to my stomach. Leah was completely right, Jacob had given up a lot for me. I didn't even know it.

Wanting to fully understand how he ended up on Mackinac I asked, "So how did you guys get here?"

Seth took a deep breath and continued. "After Leah heard that Jacob had broken away from Sam she followed. It was always really difficult for her to be under Sam's control. It really made her a not very pleasant person. Sam completely freaked out on her. He told her that he couldn't stand her betraying him. I found out and one thing lead to another.... We have our own little pack now. Jake's the alpha."

My brows were scrunched together. This was a lot to take in. Not only had I made a mess of things for Jacob but I had done the same to Leah and Seth. They certainly never did anything to deserve this from me. "Seth, I'm so sorry. This whole mess is all my fault."

"No, don't say that." He said comfortingly. "Things have been pretty cool since then actually. The first couple months were a nightmare but it's a lot better now. The three of us have been wandering east since then. Leah is so much less bitchy and the three of us get along pretty well. It's so weird that you'd end up here too..." He trailed off.

"Yeah. Tell me about it." I mumbled. So they were happier now, things had turned out for the better. If Jacob was happy without me then I wouldn't force myself on him. I had to stop being so selfish. "I'm glad to hear you're all happy now Seth, really I am."

He looked at me as if he wasn't sure he should say what he was thinking. "I wouldn't quite say that Bella." He looked down at his lap, trying to talk himself into saying the rest. "Sure Leah isn't such a peach but Jacob isn't the same Bella. He never says anything but I know he misses you. He's missed you every day since you left. Even if we didn't share a pack mind I could tell. He never talks about you, but I know he wants to. Just let him come around on his own." He said, his eyes pleading with me.

I could wait. I had waited this long to see him again, I owed him enough to wait a little while longer. After everything he had left behind for me, I could do that much. "I will" I promised.

He gave me a genuine smile before making his excuses to return home. I walked the rest of the way home with a heavy heart. I had caused him so much grief, grief that he didn't deserve. Somewhere buried beneath the surface was a small glimmer of hope. He missed me. Things might work themselves out after all. I could have my best friend back.


	12. Need

**A/N: Thanks to the ladies on the Twilighted forms, this chapter has a theme song. Puscifer's REV 22:20. Those ladies are awesome. Hopefully this will uh... set the mood. For the full effect, start the song when Jake shows up :) **

_I walked the rest of the way home with a heavy heart. I had caused him so much grief, grief that he didn't deserve. Somewhere buried beneath the surface was a small glimmer of hope. He missed me. Things might work themselves out after all. I could have my best friend back._

The next week pasted in a blur. I wanted to seek Jacob out so badly but I took Seth's advice and stayed away from the harbor and their house. In fact, if it wasn't relevant to the newspaper, I kept away from anywhere public. I wanted Jacob to see me on his terms, if he ever came around to them. I went through the motions, trying to keep myself focused on the present moment only. It worked fairly well throughout the day but there was nothing I could do about the onslaught of guilt I felt in the dark of the night.

Julie seemed to notice the change. She asked me about it briefly but my vagueness seemed to convey that I wasn't interested in talking about it. Thankfully, she respected my privacy.

Joe had called a few days after my encounter with Leah and Seth. I met him for coffee. We chatted casually for about an hour. I enjoyed his company but I couldn't put my heart into it. He was a really great guy but, once again, I was in no position to be in a relationship with anyone else. I hadn't given a whole lot of thought to a progressing relationship between the two of us. He definitely seemed interested but I had no energy for it. I was still legally married after all...

I continued on my self imposed exile of all places public for two weeks until I couldn't stand being in my little cottage anymore. The floors had been swept, counters scrubbed, clothes washed so many times it was probably sterile enough to perform surgery. As much as I deserved it, I couldn't just let my life come to a grinding halt because of Jacob.

I hadn't been to the less populated side of the island since I first moved there. It was a beautiful sunny day out so I decided to bike around the island. Sticking to the outer street, the whole trip is only about 8 miles. Last time, I made the unfortunate decision to bike to the Governor's mansion, which ironically is atop of Turkey Hill. Let me tell you, they don't call it that for nothing. By hill they mean mountain. My lack of athletic ability about killed me. This would be a much more leisurely ride; I just wanted to enjoy the views of the lake.

I had hoped going on a bike ride would take Jacob off my mind but it had the opposite effect. I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever get to do this with him. I found myself creating a fantasy conversation with him. He would tell me about his day at work. Or maybe how he and Leah became friends. I would tell him about college and what a god sent Julie has been. We'd laugh and smile. Everything would be right in the world. This is pathetic. I missed my Jacob.

The bike ride didn't do the trick and I didn't have hopes that reading would either, but when I returned home I decided to curl up on the couch with a book. At least the conversation would be between the characters and not in my head.

It was starting to get dark so I got up to turn a light on, the window no longer being sufficient. I heard footsteps on the porch and a sharp knock at the door. Not daring to allow myself to hope, I walked down the hallway to the door. Taking a deep breath, I put my hand on the doorknob and pulled it towards me.

My heart skipped a beat as the door opened to reveal the person I longed to see the most... my Jacob. He was standing there with his hands shoved into the front pockets of his ripped up jeans, black tshirt and his head tilted down slightly. His beautiful black hair hung around his face like a protective curtain.

"Jake" was all I could choke out. I had waited for weeks to talk to him and I found myself speechless.

Seconds went by like years as I stood breathlessly waiting for him to say something. He finally brought his deep brown eyes up to meet mine. With that simple gesture I could read him like an open book. Grief, excitement, confusion, longing, anger, determination, hesitation. "Bells... I...uhh... I just... hmmm... well...no." He stuttered closing his eyes and shaking his head.

I felt anticipation build in my stomach, my heart beating faster and my breath becoming more shallow. If it was this hard to say clearly it was not going to be good news.

He stood there staring at me intently for a moment more before taking a half step closer and placing his hands on either side of the door frame, leaning towards me slightly. Shaking his head once more he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, turned around and walked back down the steps of my front porch and down the path.

Still not sure if I could trust myself to breath I leaned up against the door frame, throwing my head back in frustration. I watched him get to the corner before I closed my eyes and brought my hand to my temples. I stood there and watched him walk away, again. I leaned up against the frame for a few minutes, trying to collect myself. I wanted nothing more than to run after him and throw myself in his arms. I would beg if I had to. I just didn't want to see him leave me ever again. I knew I couldn't go after him. This had to be on his terms and he clearly wasn't ready yet.

Feeling like I had regained some composure I lifted my head up and opened up my eyes. There he was marching back up the pathway to my cottage. It was my turn to be speechless. I had never seen such determination on his face. His brows were furrowed, fists clenched tightly, jaw set. He closed the distance between us with inhuman speed, grabbing my arm firmly and pulling me to him. I was frightened from the intensity for a half a second before his lips came crashing down on mine. He wrapped one arm around my waist and the other snaked up my back to my head to hold me in place, my arms were pinned to my sides.

I hadn't reacted. My head was swimming. Jake had kissed me before but never like this. There was such a hunger, need to communicate everything at once. This was my best friend. Did I want him like this?

Before I could make up my mind he broke off the wet kiss and pulled me back, his dark eyes boring into mine. Panting for air I could feel his hot breath on my face. My tongue darted out of my mouth to lick up the wetness left on them. He opened his mouth to say something, without thinking I brought my hands to either side of his face and kissed him back with the same intensity. Our lips were engulfed in a battle for dominance. I slipped my tongue into his open mouth, unable to resist tasting more of him.

This ignited a fire burning down deep within. Suddenly I couldn't think of anything else except Jake. I needed him closer so I pulled myself into him. My hands were exploring his muscular back, caressing his face, tangling in his hair. He must have felt the same because I felt his hands gripping into the small of my back, cupping my ass, on the back of my neck pulling me closer. He was everywhere at once; I was being consumed by him. He filled my every sense. I broke away, trying to catch my breath. My lips couldn't stand to be parted from his burning skin and left a hungry trail of kisses along his jaw line, up to his ear where I took the lobe into my mouth and sucked it between my lips, running my tongue over him. He inhaled sharply and his body tensed. I was just as surprised by my action as he was.

I felt myself being thrown backwards as Jake guided us back into the house and slammed the door behind us. Crashing into the wall in the hallway Jake's hands found the bottom of my shirt and thrust it over my head. Craving to feel his skin next to mine I pulled his over his head. My hands began wander over his chest, grasping and clawing at any surface I could find, my lips never leaving his.

Jake's hands began caressing my thighs, slipping up under my skirt to feel my bare skin. Breaking his lips away from mine he moved down my neck to my collar bone where he began to take me between his lips and suck. My hand knotted themselves in his hair as I tilted my head back and arched into him to allow him further access. His hands raked themselves up and down the outside of my thighs as I began to feel my wetness pooling between my legs. I let out a sharp moan when I felt him brush over the place I was craving for him to touch the most. Feeling my arousal Jacob let a finger dip into my panties and touch my dripping folds. I pushed my hips into him, conveying my need. His hands were rough, letting me know this was not going to be gentle.

I let my hands run over the hard bulge in his pants and whimpered. My hands found their way to his belt and I began to undo his pants. I could only concentrate on my need to have him closer. I gave his pants and boxers a hard tug and let them fall to his feet. At the same time Jacob quite literally ripped my panties off and threw them to the ground. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself up to meet his lips with mine. He put both of his hands firmly on my ass and lifted me up so I could wrap my legs around his waist. He shifted me so that my skirt was pushed up halfway to my breasts, leaving me exposed to him. I could feel his length against my wetness and began panting for more.

He pulled away from my lips to look into my eyes. It was not love that I saw reflecting back at me but lust, need. I opened my to speak but before I could make sense of all of the thoughts in my head he plunged himself into me. With my back against the wall for leverage he began thrusting into me deeply, finding a rhythm. I cried out from both pleasure and pain. I brought my hands up to my hair, twisting it into a knot, throwing my head back into the wall and closing my eyes tightly. My thoughts were incoherent, a jumble of emotions. He began pounding into me harder and faster as I gasped. His face was tense and beads of sweat were forming on his brow. All I could feel was fire, the heat from our bodies was overwhelming.

I couldn't take much more of this. My core was burning with desire, my center was tightening, my hands were frantically grasping at his back, trying to find something to keep me from shattering. His breathing became more erratic as I heard a deep guttural moan escape his lips. He brought his lips back to my neck and dragged them across to my shoulder. With a final deep, forceful thrust he bit down hard on my shoulder bringing me to the edge. I felt him release inside me and I screamed feeling the relief of my own climax.

I opened my eyes only to find his head hung down. He kept me pinned against the wall as his breathing began to slow. Not looking at my face he allowed me to gently slide down the wall until my feet were on the ground. Taking a step back he bent down and pulled his pants back up. I snapped out of my trance and began to readjust my skirt and look for my shirt. Jacob collected his from the floor and brought his eyes back to mine.

"Bells... I...." He shook his head once more and quickly strode over to the door. He opened it and without looking back quickly walked out, slamming the door behind him.

**A/N: Ummm... yeah. I have never written anything like that before. Please tell me if it was god awful. For real, I need reassurance. If it sucked, I want to fix it. Be constructive please. As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts. **


	13. Forward

"_Bells... I...." He shook his head once more and quickly strode over to the door. He opened it and without looking back quickly walked out, slamming the door behind him._

Stunned. That was the best way to describe my feelings. Stunned and incredibly confused. He was coming back in... right? This was just him clearing his head again. Jake wouldn't just walk out like that. He came over to talk; we were going to work things out.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh... my... god... I just slept with Jacob Black. My head started spinning. All I wanted to do was to tell him I missed him and I was hoping I could have in back in my life. If all I was going to get was someone to go have coffee with, fine. I'd be more than happy with that. I have no idea where he stands and I just went and made things so much more complicated by sleeping with him. He's obviously going to know I'm attracted to him.

Was that all that was? Pure lust and attraction? He wasn't gentle. He never once looked lovingly into my eyes. He didn't whisper anything into my ear His kisses were not that of a lover but of a hook up, one night stand, animalistic, meaningless.

Meaningless couldn't be Jacob and I. We had too much of a history. We fit together perfectly. Everything was so easy with Jacob. He was my sun, always the warmth that I needed. I didn't know how to be meaningless to Jake. If I was being honest with myself, that was the last thing I wanted.

The more I thought about the relationship that I wanted to have with Jacob, the more I upset I became. We had gone from hanging out in his garage or at First Beach to... nothing. I wasn't even sure I could call us friends anymore.

The severity of what just happened came crashing down on me. I wanted my best friend back and I ended up sleeping with him. I couldn't catch my breath and stumbled over to the couch. Grasping the arm for support, I lowered my shaking body down on the seat, pulling my knees up to my chest and burying my head. I don't remember beginning to cry. I don't remember falling asleep. But when I woke up in the morning the same crushing feeling hadn't been replaced.

I had to go into the office. I couldn't allow myself to wallow on the couch all day contemplating the awful thing I had done. Somehow I managed to shower, get dressed, grab some coffee, and walk to the office. I greeted Julie and made my way to my desk to sort through the newest batch of articles. I would not allow the mess in my personal life to overtake my professional responsibility.

I worked straight through lunch and didn't even notice that it had grown dark out. Julie appeared at the door way with her purse over her shoulder. "Bella, honey, I'm going to go home now. You should probably head that way too. Whatever isn't done can wait for tomorrow. This isn't the New York Times" she chuckled.

"Thanks Julie, I'll do that" I said as I began to gather my stuff.

"Hey hun, someone dropped this off for you before you came in today. I didn't want to bother you with it earlier. I'm sorry if it was important." She said delicately.

"Thank you Julie" I replied as she handed me a folded note. "Have a good night, I'll see you tomorrow."

"You too Bella, try to get some sleep tonight." She said as she walked out the door, leaving me alone.

I held the note in my hand like it was a ticking bomb. Finally finding the courage to open it, I sat back down. I had no doubt who the note was from, even if he wasn't the original carrier. I'm sure he didn't walk into here to give it to Julie. I stared at the words a few minutes before allowing them to make sense in my head. It simply read, "I want to talk".

Nothing else. It didn't say when or where. It didn't say what about, though I had a pretty good idea. Obviously after we had... that happened, something needed to be said. I was just praying he wouldn't tell me that he didn't want to see me anymore. I couldn't let him walk out of my life a second time.

Thankfully my feet seemed to know the way back to my house because my head sure didn't. I had gone through every scenario of what he would say in my head. The most probable was that it was a mistake. I had caused him to make a huge mistake. He was angry at himself, disgusted even, and it was my fault. The only way to make it right was to let him walk away. That's what he'd want. I'd caused enough pain to the people I loved and I was done. I was through with being selfish.

As I approached the walkway to my house I saw a mass slouched over on my front porch steps. Jake. From the looks of it, he had been there a while. His head was slumped to the side, resting on up against the railing, his eyes were closed and his breathing was deep, apparently asleep.

The sound of my high heels against the cement caused him to snap awake. He quickly stood up and began straightening his clothes, trying to look everywhere but at me. He ran his hands through his hair a few times, looking as frantic and nervous as I felt.

I walked closer so that we were but a foot apart. Steeling my nerves I convinced myself it was now or never. I needed to make things right for him.

"Jake..." I said softly. My heart felt as if it would beat itself out of my chest. "Jacob, I'm so.."

"I'm not sorry" he blurted out, cutting me off, not looking me directly in the eye. Taking a breath he continued, "I'll never be sorry for being with you like that. I've always wanted you Bella. Always. If that's all I ever have of you, at least I'll know some part of you wanted it too."

The words were caught in my chest. This was not how I expected this to go. Was he actually telling me he wanted me? After everything I'd put him through. He brought his eyes up to mine, looking for forgiveness, something to solidify that we would be ok. "Jacob, I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I should have never let you drive away. I thought I needed to be alone, figure things out, and maybe I did. But Jake, I've missed you." I said launching myself into his warm arms.

Pulling me in closer, he said "I understand why you had to Bella. I'm not mad at you for it. I was for a really long time, but I'm not anymore. Really, I'm not. If that's what you needed to do to come back to me, I'd gladly do it a hundred times over." He rested his cheek on the top of my head. I could only breath Jacob. I closed my eyes and savored the scent, breathing deeply.

"I won't ask you to leave again" I said softly, bringing my eyes up to meet his.

His smoldering eyes looked intently back into mine. Slowly he moved closer to my face. Inch by inch, his hand caressing my face, as he softly brought his lips to mine. They moved fluidly over mine as the butterflies of excitement began to settle in my stomach and were replaced by a feeling of contentment I hadn't felt in years.

I was kissing my Jacob. I was kissing him and it wasn't out of lust; it was because I wanted to be with him. Best of all, he wanted to be with me too. I allowed myself to get lost in thoughts of kissing him like this again, of holding his hand walking down main street, of being us again.

He broke away and kissed my forehead. I looked up at him and caught him yawning. I smirked at him and he sheepishly grinned back. "Hey babe, mind if we go sit down somewhere more comfortable than your front porch? I've kind of been hanging out here all day."

"All day Jacob?" I asked as I went to the front door to unlock it and let us in.

"Yeah. I took a lunch break and never really came back. I'm pretty sure Leah will cover for me. Even if she doesn't really understand why." He said as I turned on the hallway light and place my keys on the table. I stood there and watched him look around, taking everything in. "Nice place. I uh, like the hallway." He said with a sly grin that only caused me to blush deeply. "I've missed that." He said in reply as he brushed his fingers over my cheek.

I looked down and turned away, embarrassed by the how blunt Jacob was able to refer to the hallway. As much as I wanted to be with him, it was going to take some getting used to. I had always worked so hard to deter anything that wasn't platonic. "The living room is over here." I said gesturing to the right. He followed me in and took my hand to pull me down on the couch next to him.

My first instinct was to put the proper amount of space between us but then I remembered that the lines had already been thoroughly blurred between us and I wanted nothing more but to have him close again. I nestled in, allowing my body to curl around his and rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heart beat and feel the heat of his body on my cheek. I was content to stay like that all night, despite the persistent questions in my head. There was so much to talk about. Almost three years worth of our lives to catch up on. A novel's worth of topics to discuss about were we stood. All of that could wait. I just wanted to be with my Jacob.

**A/N: Sorry this took so long, again. I was in Paris for the past week. I'm currently in Egypt for the next month. I'll still be updating when I get a chance, no worries. Thank you to everyone that has stuck with me, reviewed, added me to alerts and favorites. Seriously, you're the best. **


	14. Foundations

Chapter 14: Foundations

_I could hear his heart beat and feel the heat of his body on my cheek. I was content to stay like that all night, despite the persistent questions in my head. There was so much to talk about. Almost three years worth of our lives to catch up on. A novel's worth of topics to discuss about were we stood. All of that could wait. I just wanted to be with my Jacob. _

Neither of us spoke again. Jacob was asleep within ten minutes of sitting down and I followed soon after. It was soothing to be next to him again. A huge weight had been lifted off of my chest knowing that he didn't hate me, he didn't regret being with me. We could move forward. This could be new and exciting. For the first time in a long time, that didn't scare me. Whatever was ahead I wouldn't have to deal with by myself.

I woke up the next morning later than I would have liked. It was 9:30 and typically I was at the office by now. I was slightly chilled and noticed that Jacob had left. There was a note on the coffee table.

"_Bells, I had to go change for work. After skipping out early yesterday I couldn't miss today too. You looked too cute to wake up. Don't worry, you didn't say anything too embarrassing. I'll stop by after work tonight. Have a good day babe. I miss you already."_

I read the note over a few times, letting my fingers trace over his messy scribble, smiling to myself. I couldn't imagine what I would have said in my sleep. That would be topic number one I want to talk to him about tonight. I turned on the coffee pot and hurried to go shower and get ready.

Today's productivity was a stark contrast to yesterday's. My good mood seeped over into my work and I was able to get us ahead of schedule. With Lilac Festival next week, it was a welcome surprise.

I was looking forward to seeing Jacob again. Last night had gone amazingly well. Part of me was still waiting for the catch, the hole in the silver lining. It was almost too easy. While it was unmistakable that we both cared for each other deeply, we still need to talk about any hard feelings. I want to start over with a clean slate between us. I want to hear the good and the bad. I was incredibly curious about how things developed between him and Seth and Leah. Seth had given me what I'm sure was the watered down version but I want the whole truth from Jacob. That is one thing I could always count on Jacob for, the truth, even when other people wanted to protect me from it.

I had gotten so much work done today that I didn't feel the least bit guilty sending everyone home at 4:30. I half expected to see Jacob sitting on my front porch as I approached my house but it was empty. My heart sank slightly until I realized the last ferry of the day leaves at 6:30 so he'd still be at work. Deciding that knowing Jake, he'd be starving, dinner would be the best way to occupy my time.

I turned my ipod on to my favorite playlist and began rummaging through my refrigerator for the ingredients for lasagna and salad. I had plenty of time and wanted to start from scratch. Listening to music and cooking where two of my favorite things. It allowed me to unwind from the day and switch from work mode to being home. I would never embarrass myself as much as to dance in public, but in the confines of my own kitchen, that was a different story. While ballet lessons had been hopeless when I was younger, I liked to come up with my own version of dancing while cooking. As much as I pretended I was a rock star, it was actually lip syncing with a spatula.

The timer for the lasagna went off and I checked the clock, 7 pm. Jake should have been home by now. Home, silly me. He doesn't live here. He said he would stop over. We'd seen each other three times in the past three years, we were hardly ready for any big steps. All along I told myself I would be happy with just being friends. After last night, friends wasn't an option anymore. He'd always be my best friend but I wanted him for so much more. The idea of his lips on my skin caused a fresh round of butterflies in my stomach. I hadn't felt this way about anyone since _him_...

Carefully using oven mitts, I grabbed the lasagna out of the oven and turned around to put it on the table. "Jake!" I shouted, nearly dropping the glass pan.

Jacob's smile widened. "Hey. I hope you don't mind. I let myself in. I don't think you could hear me over your uh... music." He said teasing me. He was sitting at the kitchen table, leaning back in his chair, legs crossed and hands casually behind his head.

My face turned a deep shade of crimson. Afraid to meet his eye, I asked, "How long have you been sitting there?"

"Long enough," he replied, his eyes dancing with entertainment, "you have a beautiful voice Bells, I never knew."

"Well I'll never be doing that again." I exclaimed as I roughly set the lasagna down and turned around to grab the salad.

He moved up from the chair and placed his arms around my waist from behind. Nuzzling in my hair and whispering in my ear he said, "Please do. I love watching you. You're so cute when you're being all domestic."

I was torn between being difficult and melting into him. Being difficult won. I wriggled out of his grasp and went back to setting the table. He chuckled and sat back down content with watching me. I tried to stay mad at him but it was flattering the way his eyes followed me around the room. "You act like you've never seen me make dinner before, the way you're watching me." I finally said.

"I've always watched you like this. Maybe you just haven't noticed before." He said, his voice making my knees go weak.

I took that moment to sit down and begin serving each of us, allowing me to catch my breath. He seemed so sure of us. He's always seemed so sure. I want so much to give myself over to the same certainty. Part of me was still holding back. I had been hurt by someone I was so sure of in the past. I had also hurt my husband and my best friend being selfish. Jacob was too good to deserve that kind of mistake on my part again.

Noticing my silence, Jacob took the opportunity to change the direction of the conversation. "Bella, I need to know that this is what you want. I need to know that last night wasn't some dream and I'm going to wake up to have you walk out again."

I had been so worried that he would decide he had made a mistake, even now, that I hadn't even considered he would be hesitant. It killed me to think he was even remotely afraid of me. Looking back at him trying to convey the truth to my words, I replied, "I'm not leaving Jake. I completely understand that you're scared, I am too. I'm prepared to be annoyingly persistent. I want you in my life, anyway you'll have me."

His face softened smiling slightly, recognizing what he once told me years ago at the movie theater. "As long as you want to make this work I'll be here. I've had life without you, I hated it. I never want that again." He replied.

Tentatively I asked, "Jake, can we talk about that? About what happened between us? I want a fresh start. No secrets."

He took a deep breath and another bite, chewing thoughtfully. "Bells I've done some things you might not want to hear. I was different without you. I'm not proud of everything."

I had been expecting this. Jacob the biggest heart of anyone I knew. From our brief conversations on the phone while I was still in college I could tell he took things very hard. I assured him, "I'm not going to be upset over something you did when I wasn't being a good friend to you Jake. You survived. I know from experience that isn't always pretty."

He searched my face. I looked back at him, hoping to let him know I meant it. I really want us to be honest with each other. I couldn't allow myself to become upset over something he did. It was important to lay the right kind of foundation if anything was going to move forward between us.

He finally replied, "I'm not really sure where to start.... I guess at first I was angry. I was angry that I drove down there and you rejected me." I cringed at this but gave a small nod indicating he should continue. "Sam was ready to let me back in the pack when I returned but it was conditional. He went on and on about commitment to the pack and duty. He said the Rez should always be my first priority. As mad as I was at you, that pissed me off more. It was like my whole life was unraveling before my eyes. I had no choices left, everything had already been decided..." He had a far away look on his face.

I reach out and squeezed his hand encouragingly. He looked back at me and gave me a small smile. "But yeah, Sam doesn't like being challenged. He's been an Alpha for too long. I was suppose to be, did I ever tell you that?" I shook my head. "Yeah, I was. Basically I told him where to stick it. It was just too much at once with you and all..."

"And Seth and Leah?" I prodded carefully.

He gave a snort and smiled. "Leah had been waiting for a reason to go off on Sam. It was always really hard for her. She really loves him. I think even now but she'll beat on anyone that even thinks it. I stayed on the Rez just long enough to graduate. She bided her time and told him off just days before. I'm pretty sure she wanted to flaunt it in his face for a few days. I wasn't crazy about her coming with me. I wanted to go off on my own, find myself." He said giving me a side glance. "It was Seth that convinced me to let her come. Sam tried to convince Leah to stay by telling her that he couldn't stand her leaving him. She freaked."

I could imagine this was so. Leah had more spirit than anyone I had ever met. I wonder what she was like before Sam imprinted. I hope she'll get to have that again.

Jake interrupted my thoughts. "Seth is a great guy. He heard the low blow Sam pulled and refused to give loyalty to someone like that. They might be at each other's throats sometimes but they do love each other, in a demented way."

"I never had that kind of sibling connection. They're lucky." I concurred. "So you graduated and then what? Seth didn't?"

"No. He's a good liar on applications though. Apparently he's even attended a community college too. He's just so happy about what he's saying, everyone believes him." Jake replied chuckling. "We wandered. I told them they didn't have to follow but eventually I didn't mind. I knew there were too many hard feelings for all of us in La Push."

One question had been threatening to burn me alive since we started talking. "You said you hated me for a long time. How did you move on?"

Jake took a deep breath. "Promise not to freak out?"

I nodded. "Like I said, clean slate."

He grimaced. "Bells I feel awful about all of this now. I thought if I couldn't get over you then I'd just have to replace you. At first I took girls out on dates, tried to play the gentleman card. When that didn't work I turned into taking drunk girls home from bars." He avoided looking at me. Sighing, he continued. "I woke up one day and just decided that was enough. I wasn't going to find someone else, it was pointless trying." He laughed, "To be honest, Leah decided I had enough the day she kicked some girl out the door with a $10 for cab money taped to her forehead. She told me I was being pathetic. I wasn't going to find you at the bottom of some... uh.. girl. Turns out she was right. I didn't want to be angry anymore."

"That makes sense." I replied simply. "I could see how you and Leah feel like you have a connection over that. She sounds like she was a great friend to you."

"Yeah..." He said slowly. He looked at me intently, debating. "Might as well come clean. Bella, I slept with Leah."

Right that makes complete sense. Wait, what?!? My jaw dropped and I struggled to compose myself. _I will not get mad, I will not get mad, I will not get mad... _

Seeing my internal struggle he quickly added, "It was only once. It was awful. We were both using each other. We thought we could be the person the other was looking for. It was like being with my sister. Never again, I promise." Laughing sharply, he said, "Seth wouldn't phase for a week. Leah and I both felt so guilty and awkward about it we couldn't help but think about it. Poor guy."

It hurt to hear that he had been with other girls. I felt sick to hear that he was with Leah, someone he's still very close with. Slightly jealous. I had only been with him and Edward. I felt so inexperienced, not just with sex but about the world. I just never could bring myself to get close to anyone else. I tried but it just felt like betrayal to both of them. I needed a minute to collect myself. I began clearing the table and suggested we go sit in the living room. Jacob offered to help but must have sensed I needed a minute to myself because he didn't insist when I refused.

I followed him into the living room and sat on the couch next to him. I didn't curl up next to him but sat close enough to know that things were fine between us. I was the first to break the silence. "Jake, I'm not mad. Honestly. She was there for you, of course you'd develop feelings for her." I spoke from experience. Besides, I thought Jake was pretty irresistible, couldn't fault her for that.

He looked relieved, exhaling he replied, "Good. I had been kind of worried about that. I didn't want that to color your opinion of her. She's actually really cool when you get to know her. You guys might even be friends."

I laughed. "We'll see. I wouldn't mind that down the road." He smiled at me and gave my hand a quick kiss. She was important to him, I want to be open to all possibilities. If we're both in his life we might as well be friends. I sighed. "Alright, I think we have to talk about it."

Confused, he asked, "About what?"

He could be so oblivious sometimes. "Jake, you came over to talk the other night and ended up screwing me in the hallway and left barely saying a word. I think we need to talk about where exactly we stand. This hasn't exactly been traditional."

He smirked, apparently quite proud of himself. "Yeah, that was kind of forward of me. Though, you started it. You kissed me back. I would have walked away."

"_I_ started it Jacob Black?" I said raising my eyebrow. He just smiled bigger for me taking his bait. I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. It happened."

"So..." he started. "Are we like, dating?"

I laughed at how timid he said that. I felt like he wanted to pass me a note, _do you like me check yes or no. _"Yeah, I think we're like, dating."

He flashed me a big grin and I moved over closer to him and curled myself into his arms. We certainly hadn't figured everything out but it was a start. I had my Jacob back and got even more than I had bargained for. We had our fresh start.

**A/N: Ugh, I'm fairly positive my commas are out of control. I blame trying to make my brain think bilingually for too long. I apologize. Thank you for the reviews, favorites, and alerts, you guys are awesome, truly. I have quite a few ideas about the next few chapters. I actually have 3 chapters a little down the road done but I'd love to take some requests. I have a little wiggle room getting from one point in the story to the next. Keep in mind, this won't stay lovey dovey fluff forever. I have one particular issue to address still that was the motivating factor in writing this. Feel free to drop requests in a review, I'd love to hear them.**


	15. Green

Chapter 15: Green

_I laughed at how timid he said that. I felt like he wanted to pass me a note, do you like me check yes or no. "Yeah, I think we're like, dating." _

_He flashed me a big grin and I moved over closer to him and curled myself into his arms. We certainly hadn't figured everything out but it was a start. I had my Jacob back and got even more than I had bargained for. We had our fresh start._

Jacob and I had been spending every night together at my house for the past two weeks. We fell into a comfortable pattern around the house and seemed to work together seamlessly. When he asked me to come over to his place to hang out tonight I enthusiastically agreed. I was eager to start orientating myself to his world as he had fit so flawlessly into mine.

Walking up to Jacob's house I couldn't help but feel apprehensive about seeing Leah. I wasn't even sure she was home but the thought was making me nervous. I don't know if Jake and told her about our conversation or not. I don't want things to be awkward between us but it seemed hard for them not to. What would I talk to her about? Hey Leah, so you slept with Jake... How was that? Care to compare notes...

I shook those thoughts out of my head. That's just being silly. We are both mature adults, there is no reason we can't just let the past be the past. From what Jake said, they were both pretty embarrassed by that particular decision. Chances are she'd want to just pretend it didn't happen anyway. On the other hand I couldn't even begin to comprehend the inner workings of Leah's mind. We hadn't ever spent a lot of time together before and all I knew is what I had picked up from what Jacob had told me and the few side remarks she had made years ago at First Beach.

One of their many roommates, Dan, answered the door. I heard Jake's booming laugh coming from the living room and followed the sound. I couldn't help but smile; Jacob happy was just infectious. I stood at the doorway to the living room for a moment just to take in the room. Seth was sitting in an arm chair opposite of Jacob who was lounging casually on the couch.

"Hey guys, what's so funny?" I asked as I walked into the room. My heart started to beat faster as I turned the corner to find Leah draped over Jacob's lap, smiling and playing with her hair. I hadn't noticed her when I first walked in. I mean, I suppose it's normal enough to lounge around on your own couch, but typically that's an activity best done alone.

"Hey baby." Jake responded, flashing me a perfect smile. Chuckling he continued, "We were just giving Seth crap about the lady that was all over him at work today."

"She was a real cougar, wasn't she Seth? Rarrr." Leah piped in causing a new round of laughter and Seth to turn a deep shade of red.

With great effort Seth turned back to me, bashfully he said "She wasn't nearly as bad as they are making her out to be. She was just a nice, slightly older lady..."

"Seth! She was wearing a leopard print halter top and wanted your number so she could call and give you her room number! She had to be at least fifty. She definitely was that bad." Leah reminded him. Both Leah and Jacob seemed to relish in Seth's embarrassment as I made my way through the living room to sit on a rather uncomfortable chair next to Seth.

The conversation between the three of them went on for a good half hour just the same. I didn't have anything to contribute beyond a few forced smiles. I felt like an intruder and the whole situation seemed incredibly awkward to me. However, I appeared to be the only one that felt that way. Leah did eventually remove herself from Jacob's lap, but I got the impression it wasn't because I was there, she just simply needed to rearrange herself.

I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more between the two of them than Jacob let on. They were just so comfortable with each other. Even more, they complimented each other. Jacob's sunny personality seemed to balance out Leah's more rough exterior. She actually looked happy, adjusted, normal. Seth even seemed to be happier, if that were possible. The three of them definitely had a close bond, a bond I wasn't sure I'd ever understand or be a part of.

It was getting late and we still hadn't had dinner. I was hungry, very uncomfortable, and slightly hurt. I couldn't articulate my feelings and I wasn't sure I should. Jacob is clearly happy and I had promised to not hold anything from his past against him. I decided I'd go home where I could convince myself that promise should still hold true.

I laid in bed for hours unable to shut my mind down enough to fall asleep. I couldn't imagine lounging all over the lap of someone I had slept with in front of his new girlfriend. Leah didn't _appear _to be doing it maliciously. But, then again, I really didn't know a whole lot about Leah. And why didn't Jake think that was a touch inappropriate? He would have to be dense to not see that I wasn't exactly enjoying myself. Maybe he didn't see... Maybe I should just tell him. Look Jake, I'm not ok with Leah's head being in that close vicinity to your crotch again...

In the back of my mind something was warning me to just let it go but it was way past midnight and I had no idea how to just let it go. I reached over to the bedside table to grab my cell phone and began dialing his number before I let that annoying part of my mind talk me out of it.

I sat up straight in bed and began drumming my fingers on the sheets next to me. After five rings Jacob groggily answered, "Hello?"

"Jacob, I have something I'd like to talk to you about." I replied, the words in a rush to make it out of my mouth all at the same time.

"Bella? Are you ok? It's pretty late. Did something happen?" Jacob said, still sounding disoriented.

"You know, I'm really not ok. I think you said a total of ten words to me tonight. I'm trying to be reasonable about all of this but I just can't shake something."

"Wait, what? Honey what's wrong?" Jacob replied still confused.

Really? He must have been joking. "Oh I don't know Jake, how about we finish this conversation with Leah's head in your lap!" I snapped. I know I should feel bad about the way I was reacting but it was like the dam had been broken, I couldn't control myself.

"What? Don't be ridiculous Bella... Leah's sleeping, w hy in the world would I do that?"

I never really understood the expression "seeing red" until that moment. "You've got to be kidding me Jacob Black! Don't even talk to me right now. I don't want to hear it." I replied acidly as I hung up the phone.

I sat back in my bed fuming. How could he not have understood what I was trying to tell him? Obviously I wasn't ok with how comfortable he and Leah were around each other. It was just weird, unnatural. You don't hang around with someone you have such an intimate history with like that.

Then it hit me. I messed up. I messed up big time. Of course he didn't understand. I hadn't called him and told him that I was a little uncomfortable with the situation. I didn't express my feelings in a very adult manner. I didn't tell him why it bothered me so much. I hadn't really said anything. I took out my frustration with trying to deal with being jealous that I wasn't the only woman in his life on him. I am so stupid. Jacob would never intentionally do something like that to hurt me. This was new to both of us, clearly we just needed to talk more about our expectations and comfort levels.

Without thinking I jumped out of bed and threw on jeans and a sweatshirt. I had to make this right. I wasn't about to keep him up all night wondering what he did wrong when it was me that messed up. I made it back over to Jacob's house in record time and knocked sharply on the door. At this point I didn't care if I woke the whole house up, I wasn't going to let this go on any longer than it had to.

I heard footsteps in the hallway and silently prayed to myself that I wouldn't say something else incredibly stupid. The porch light turned on and he appeared in the door.

"Bella?" He greeted me tentatively as he shut the front door behind him.

"Jacob, I just wanted to apologize. I was way out of line to talk to you like that. I intended to call you and just let you know about something that was bothering me but I ended up taking it out on you. That's was really wrong of me and I'm sorry." I started out steadily. "Jake, it just really bothered me. You slept with her and I came in and she was on your lap. You guys just seemed so wrapped up in yourselves..." I trailed off, tears stinging my eyes.

Jacob took a step closer to me, his eyes softening with understanding and compassion. He took a deep breath and pulled me close to him.

"Bells, that time, back when he was gone... You let me be the center of your world. You depended on me. You let me be there for you, even when I didn't deserve it, even when I couldn't trust myself to be around you. Being with you, even if it was one sided, made me feel and experience things that I never imagined I would. I felt needed, wanted, whole. You gave me a purpose and a direction. I was young and naive but that doesn't change the intensity of how I cared for you and what you gave back to me. You made me feel human at a time I only saw myself as a monster. When you told me to go in Arizona I thought my life was over. You took away the sun Bella." Jacob pleaded with me.

My breath caught in my chest and all I could do was try to keep the tears at bay. "Jake..." I began softly. Watching him relive that pain was more than I could handle. I don't deserve him. He is absolutely right. Of course he would feel like that with Leah.

"No, let me finish. I was angry and I made stupid decisions. But believe me when I say she won't ever hold a candle to you. You're my sun, she never had a chance." Jacob finished, his voice crackling slightly at the end.

I always knew Jacob cared for me deeply but I never saw how I could be to him what he had always been to me. _He _was the one that was the sun. _He _was the one that gave me direction. I'd never seen myself as more than ordinary but with Jacob looking back at me like he was right now, with all of the love and adoration in the world, I believed him. It is an incredible out of body experience to see yourself as someone that loves you sees you. Thoughts about how foolish I was to be jealous fluttered through my head but I could only grasp that I loved my Jacob and he loved me.

Stepping forward, I closed the gap between us slowly. I brought one hand to the back of his head and the other to his face. He was holding his breath and he carefully searched my face. The hesitation and vulnerability etched in his eyes didn't go unnoticed. I traced his jaw line with my fingers, slowly, bringing them up to his lips. He held perfectly still as I let my finger move over his mouth as if to perfectly confine to memory the way his lips peeked on top and curved around on the bottom. Jacob was tall and muscular, often giving off a rough exterior, but his mouth was so soft and almost delicate. The perfect keeper to his carefree smile that warmed my heart. I tilted in closer and softly, carefully, brought my lips to his. He barely moved his lips with mine, as if afraid to break such a soft kiss, but the connection between us was palpable.

With my lips still touching his I whispered, "I was foolish to let you go then. I'd be even more foolish to let my jealousy drive you away this time. I'm not ever letting you go." I felt his lips curl into a smile and brought mine back to his.

_A/N: Sorry this took so long, but I'm finally back from Egypt! It was amazing, absolutely phenomenal. If you ever get a chance, you have to go. Thanks for your patience and all the reviews, you guys are awesome. We are so close to 100, think we can break it with this chapter? :) _


	16. Date

Chapter 16: Date

_With my lips still touching his I whispered, "I was foolish to let you go then. I'd be even more foolish to let my jealousy drive you away this time. I'm not ever letting you go." I felt his lips curl into a smile and brought mine back to his. _

Jacob and I spent the night curled up together in his bed. We talked through some of my jealousy issues. I felt horrible, I had clearly over reacted. Jacob assured me if the feelings were there, they had to be based on something. He actually apologized to me for not being more conscious and observant. I was continually amazed at how much more mature he had become. It's been a struggle to not get caught up in how we were together back in Forks. We had both grown and evolved immensely and ignoring that would be a mistake. I needed to keep reminding myself that years had passed, things had changed, and we were just lucky that there was a connection between us that had survived the time.

I hadn't said anything to Jacob but I really wanted to make an effort with Leah. Jacob had assured me that we would get along given the chance. I hoped by getting to know her I could curb my jealousy and understand the dynamic of their friendship. In the long run, at best, I could end up with a friend and make things easier between Jacob and I.

Jacob and his roommates had to be at work earlier than I did. I almost didn't hear him as he tried to creep out of the room without waking me.

Groggily, I sat up in bed, slightly disoriented. "Jake?"

He turned back, flashing me a dazzling smile. The way his eyes lingered on me gave me butterflies. "Good morning beautiful. I'm sorry I woke you, I was just headed out for the day. Will you be here when I get back?"

Rubbing my eyes I replied, "Um... Maybe? What day is it?"

He chuckled as he strode back across the room to kiss me good bye. "It's Tuesday Bells. Go back to bed for a while. Have a good day honey." He quietly shut the door behind him.

I went to lay back down but realized if Jacob was leaving, everyone else would be too. I jumped out of bed throwing on the pajama pants Jacob had discarded to cover the bottom half that wasn't already covered by his large black t shirt I had been sleeping in. I walked out the door just in time to see Leah walking down the stairs.

"Leah!" I called after her hopefully.

She turned around confused at first but smirked when her eyes met mine. "Morning...?" Her eyes scanned me carefully, clearly she didn't miss that I was wearing Jake's clothes.

"Hey, I was just wondering if you and I could get together sometime. You know, have lunch or something sometime?" I asked. I really wanted to her to accept. I knew I wasn't going to get to know her very well with the constant stream of men around the house.

She stared at me for a minute. I had clearly caught her off guard. "Yeah, sure, I guess." She replied indifferently as she took a few more slow steps down the stairs.

She stopped and turned back. "I'm normally not on the Island for lunch so maybe we can get dinner or drinks or something after I'm done tonight."

I let out a small sigh of relief, I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath. "Yeah that would be great. " I said smiling in reply.

She gave me a small smile back and proceeded to work.

There, that wasn't so bad. I half expected her to decline and look at me like I'd grown two heads. I couldn't help but feel like I hadn't been very fair to her before but a small voice in the back of my head kept telling me _keep your friends close and your enemies closer... _

Time always seems to have a way of speeding up when you're nervous about something. The day absolutely flew by and I didn't feel like I had gotten as much accomplished as I would have liked. I wasn't necessarily dreading hanging out with Leah, I just had no idea what to expect from her. She had surprised me with her reaction this morning and I'm sure she'd surprise me tonight.

I went straight home after work to change into a casual sun dress. I rode my bike over to Jake's. I approached the house to find Jacob and Seth sitting on the front steps together engaged in conversation. I had forgotten I told Jacob I'd be here when he got home. Though, before 9 am, I can't be held accountable for the promises I make.

"Hey guys." I said greeting them and walking up to Jake to give him a kiss. He pulled me in and I settled on his lap. I'll never get used to how easy and comfortable it is to be with him like this.

"Somebody's got a date" Seth responded with a smirk in a sing song voice. It was easy to get along with Seth, he reminded me of a younger version of Jacob, happy and awkward. Although I wasn't sure what he was talking about. I was suppose to hang out with Leah, I hope Jacob didn't plan to surprise me with something.

"Date?" I inquired.

"Yep." He replied popping his lips at the end of the word. "She's been upstairs stressing out over what to wear for the last hour. She keeps mumbling things about girls dressing up for other girls and judging. I always thought she dressed up so she didn't have to buy her own drinks."

I just simply stared at him. A date with Leah? Well that's an interesting interpretation of it. I didn't want this to be a big production though it did make me feel slightly better that she was a little uncomfortable around me. It put us on even ground.

"We're just hanging out, it's isn't a date. She's a girl Seth. Besides, when's the last time you went out on a date? Maybe you should call that Cougar from yesterday..." His face turned red and he shrugged his shoulders, effectively ending the conversation.

Jacob chuckled and pulled me in closer, I rested my check on the top of his head. His fingers were mindlessly running through my hair. "Babe, I just wanted to tell you how much this means to me. You know, making an effort with Leah. I know she's difficult but she's actually a pretty good person. I think she's excited about it, just don't tell her I said that. She kept talking about it at lunch. The last girl friend she's had was Emily and they don't talk anymore." Jacob confessed to me quietly.

"I'm not doing this just for you. You are important to me so the people you care about are important to me. I should have told you I had plans for tonight, I'm sorry I didn't." I replied.

"Don't be sorry, I'm not your keeper. You should have a life outside of our relationship." He said seriously. Then he added with a laugh, "If you really want to have fun with Leah, stick to tequila tonight."

"Tequila? Sounds like there is a story involved..." I inquired.

Jacob kissed me and replied teasing me, "You'll have to ask her. Your date seems to be ready," he added wiggling his eyebrows to tease me. I forget that Jacob has a much more keen senses that I do, he just looks so human it's easy to forget.

Leah appeared behind us on the porch wearing a sun dress not much different from the one I was wearing. "Um Hey. Ugh, we look like twins, I'll go change."

"That'll take another hour." Seth mumbled under his breath.

"Don't worry about it, I just figured we'd go grab something to eat. We'll just look like tourists anyway, not a big deal." I replied encouragingly. I was nervous and wanted to get this over with.

"Alright." She said simply and started walking away from the house. I jumped up from Jacob's lap, gave him a quick kiss, and followed.

We walked most of the distance to town in silence, only speaking enough to settle on a restaurant before lapsing back. Everyone around us seemed to be enjoying each other's company, which just added to the awkwardness of the situation. I have never been good and making new friends, I don't know why I thought this would be any different. Leah and been pretty popular before the whole Sam incident but she'd been through too much since then to really be able to compare her to the girl she had been.

We were seated, ordered, and proceeded to stare at anything but each other.

"So Bella, were you planning on talking to me about something or were you just sick of hanging around the half brained idiot all the time?" Leah spoke bluntly. A small smile played around her lips. At least, it could have been a smile, or she could be sneering at me, it was hard to tell.

I evaluated her carefully. She didn't seem annoyed or particularly angry. The only Leah I knew was downright hostile so I wasn't sure what to make of it. "I'm sorry Leah, this is ridiculously awkward. I didn't have a hidden agenda, I just wanted to get to know you better."

Her dark eyes looked back at me carefully, she was intimidating. "Alright." She stated. She took a drink of the soda in front of her and continued. "I was born and raised in La Push, Sam broke my heart, I turn into a furry werewolf at will, I ran away from home with dumb and dumber and have been hanging around them ever since. There's not a whole lot to know." She said without missing a beat. "Or did you want to talk about the fact I slept with Jacob? Do you think that's why I went off on you when you first showed up at our door?"

Well damn. She certainly cut right to the chase. It came so far out of left field that I didn't know what to say, I just sat there like an idiot.

I couldn't count the minutes that passed before I was able to formulate a response all the while she sat there looking at me expectantly. Finally, still visibly flustered I responded, "I thought that was a topic more suited for a second date." Date? Wow I sounded dumb. Damn that Seth...

She burst out laughing. It wasn't a polite chuckle at my poor attempt at a joke, it was a full, deep, belly laugh. She was mad, utterly insane. That's all there was to it.

Between her laughter she managed to say, "Five points for that one." I couldn't help but smile. I'd never seen Leah laugh before in a non malicious manner. The tension between us was definitely less palpable. It was good to know neither of us were going to be overly sensitive about that subject.

She regained her composure and responded, "I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have came off that strong, I've been trying to work on that. Unsuccessfully, obviously."

"It's alright. We might as well get that out of the way." I replied tentatively.

"Look, I'm sure you're looking for some sort of validation that he's only in love with you and there's nothing between us but you're in the wrong place if you're looking for that." Leah said, knitting her eyebrows together and looking back at me seriously.

I looked at her confused.

She rolled her eyes and continued. "You can't possibly be that dense. Have you ever really looked at that boy? He's in love with you; he's always been in love with you. The only reason anything ever happened between us was because we understood each other, not because there was any type of attraction. We both wanted it to be something that it wasn't, that it could never be. I don't have to tell you that though, just really look at him sometime." Her voice changed. She was becoming more defensive.

Carefully, I responded. "Actually Leah, that isn't why I wanted to hang out with you. Jacob explained all of that to me, and I do believe him, now at least," I amended. "You are important to him, he is important to me, I just thought we could be friends."

She huffed at the word friends but looked back at me, considering what I'd said. "This doesn't mean I'm picking out clothes for you to wear on a date or going shopping with you."

I smiled. For Leah this was a step in a positive direction. "No, never." I agreed.

Our food and arrived right on time and the conversation switched. She didn't seem overly willing to talk about herself so I told her about what I had been up to since Arizona. At times I caught myself wondering if she was just gaining information for her arsenal to use against me but she seemed generally interested. I chastised myself for letting the way the boys talked about her color my opinion of her. She wasn't nearly as bad as they made her out to be. She'd have every right to be bitter if she wanted, but she didn't seem to want to be anymore.

The waiter brought our check and a drink for Leah from a guy at the bar. Leah looked back and he smiled at her before she took a long drink and downed the whole thing. She smiled at me mischievously, "Let's go out. I haven't been out in forever. I bet I can get more guys to buy me drinks." She said slyly.

I never went out and partied in college, it wasn't my scene. I had been drunk twice in my life, both times ended up with a massive hangover and swearing never to drink again. "I don't know Leah, I'm not much of a drinker..." I started slowly

"Nonsense." She claimed as she grabbed my hand and dragged me out the door. In the back of my mind I knew this could be disastrous but I was partially thrilled at having a girls night.

She won the bet for the most drinks. She was utterly shameless at flirting, something I had never quite mastered. She had the entire bar wrapped around her finger within the hour. I couldn't fathom why she was still alone because she certainly had prospects. She kept prodding me to be more outgoing but I was content watching her have fun.

I was enjoying myself, far more than I thought I would. I couldn't help but wonder about Leah still. She seemed to love the attention but always seemed to move on to the next victim before anything could happen. False promises and open ended answers. I thought my world had ended when Edward left so many years ago, the same time Sam left Leah. Years later I was happy and content. When she thought no one was looking, I could catch a glimpse of the Leah that was still hurt and hadn't fully moved on. I couldn't imagine carrying around that kind of pain for so many years. She had helped Jacob, I felt like I owed her the same.

A/N: I'm horrible. I should have updated this weeks ago. I had it done but wasn't happy with it so I kept changing it. The end result is not much different from the original. Go figure. I'm sorry. Thank you guys for breaking 100 reviews. You made me so happy :) I started working on the Jacob/Leah hook up outtake. Don't hold your breath though. Please review! Let me know what you're most looking forward to. If all goes to plan, next chapter should be filled with Bella/Jacob goodness.


	17. Gardenia

Chapter 17: Gardenia

"Bella?" Jacob called down the hall, the front screen door slamming behind him.

"In here." I called from the back bedroom. I was throwing my hair up into a ponytail as he sauntered down the hallway and casually leaned up against my door frame.

"How about a bike ride?" Jacob asked with a mischievous grin on his face. We hadn't explored the northern side of the island together, which was a shame as it was truly beautiful. It was completely uninhabited and wild. A smile spread across my face at the thought of spending the day with Jacob and he grabbed my hand. I grabbed my keys on the way out the door and locked it behind me.

The island was less then ten miles around the perimeter but there were plenty of more difficult trails along the interior. We rode for hours, side by side, laughing and truly enjoying each other's company. It seemed just like yesterday that I was making this ride by myself after I had seen Jacob in the bar. I had wished he could be by my side. Reality was infinitely better. I would never take his friendship and love for granted again. The looks of longing from the tourists towards Jacob did not go unnoticed. He was hot, no denying it. But rather than jealous I felt a fierce sense of pride, he had chosen me.

We stopped and sat on a bench overlooking arch rock. It was the simplest form of bliss, being that near to Jacob. In the clear water someone had taken white stones and spelled out, "Will you marry me?" Jacob took my hand and brought it to his lips.

"Some lucky guy had his dreams come true in this very spot." Jacob said softly.

I kissed his lips and replied, "I don't need to marry you to have my dreams come true Jacob. Just being with you is enough, they already have."

His eyes got soft and he pulled me in to nestle closer to him. "You were my only dream Bella. I couldn't ask for more. I love you." He shifted his weight so that he could gain access to his front jean pocket.

"I love you too, Jacob." I replied, completely content.

"I have something for you. I sort of forgot, I'm sorry if it's a little mashed." He said as he handed me a slightly wilted flower, a Gardenia.

"Jake, it's beautiful. I love it. Gardenia's are my favorite. How did you ever find this on the island?" I asked bringing the flower to delicately to my nose to breath in it's sweet scent. Exotic flowers, beyond Lilacs, were extremely rare on the island.

"I have connections. I knew it was your favorite." He brought his hand to my face, gently tilted my chin up and kissed my lips.

We sat there waiting for the sun to set and paint the water with vibrant colors of red and orange. After the sun had set, we grudgingly got back on our bikes and began making our way back to my house. Jacob had perfect eyesight in the dark but it would become much more difficult for me to see and with how clumsy I am, the risk wasn't worth it even though I didn't want to leave.

We walked up the familiar path to my house hand in hand. Standing on my front porch he kissed my lips softly, once, twice, three times, again and again. It felt like good night but I didn't want it to end. The way his soft lips moved with mine was heaven. It woke up the passion that had been building all night with a new sense of urgency. I caught his lips with my own to keep him from pulling away and kissed him deeply to show my intent. Pulling back slightly I whispered, "Please don't leave tonight."

Four words was all it took to break down his careful facade. I had spent the night with him but we'd only been intimate the one time in the hallway. He treated me with the utmost respect since then as his way of making up for the lack of chivalry he displayed. I couldn't make him understand that I wanted that show of raw emotion from him. I craved the electricity his touch left on my skin.

I pulled him in closer, back through my open front door and kissed him with searing passion. If he wasn't able to forgive himself then I was determined to make him forget. Knowing that initiating things in the hallway would have the opposite effect I was looking for I grabbed his hand and held him up to my room, drawing out each tantalizing step. At the top of the stairs I turned around to see his dark eyes full of lust. I began to slowly walk backwards towards my room as I began to unbuttoned my shirt. A coy grin spread across his face as he chased after me.

Pinning me up against the door frame to my room he bent down and held my hands in his. He kissed me fully and whispered, "I am going to make love to you, Bella. I am going to worship you. Let me." He unbuttoned my shirt further to give him more access to my bare skin. Gently kissing my neck, I could feel a smile spread across his beautiful mouth and I found my legs wrapped around his waist. He carried me to the bed where he carefully laid me down on my back, never allowing his lips to leave my skin.

My chest was rising and falling erratically. Kissing Jacob made it easy to forget how to breathe properly. His lips made me feel like I was being kissed for the very first time. I couldn't shake the feeling of nerves, excitement, longing, and vulnerability, and I didn't want to. He trailed kisses down my neck, sucking gently on my collarbone before moving down the value between my breasts and down my stomach. He reached the edge of my jeans and began to unbutton them with agonizingly slowness. His breath, tickling my lower stomach, hitched as he began to slide my jeans over my hips to reveal my black lace panties beneath.

A low growl escaped his lips as he slid them entirely off my legs. I was anticipating him starting back where he left off so I was caught by surprise when I felt his hands rubbing up and down my leg and his breath on my ankle. He kissed me gently, working his way up to my knee. He began sucking gently behind my knee causing wetness to pool between my legs. I was longing for him to put his lips where I needed him most. He appeared to be oblivious to my need as he continued to worship my legs. I began to whimper.

"I could kiss you for hours." He breathed into my skin. "So soft. So warm." His hands made their way slowly up my thigh barely sliding under the lace of my panties. He placed a kiss on the tender skin of my inner thigh. Need pulsed through my body and I arched myself in closer to him.

A seductive smile spread across his lips as he grabbed on to the delicate lace and tantalizingly, slowly slide them off and discarded them on the floor. That smile would be my undoing. He could convey how much he loved me and wanted me with a simple gesture. His fingers traced around the area I wanted him most, knowingly driving me crazy.

"Please.... please.... I .... I need..." I breathed hoarsely, unable to form a coherent thought.

"I know what you need Bells. And I intent to thoroughly give it to you." He replied, his eyes smoldering with lust. He slowly lowered himself between my legs, allowing his breath to tease me. Giving one last seductive look at me he brought his lips gently to me. The electricity from his touch coursed through my body and my hips rose up to meet his capable mouth. His tongue slipped between my folds and I couldn't contain the breathy moans escaping my lips. My eyes rolled back in my head and I surrendered myself to his skilled mouth.

I could feel the tension building inside of me, whimpering and begging. I needed to feel him inside of me. He expertly licked and sucked me into oblivion but I still craved to feel filled by him. Sensing I was close, he placed one last kiss on my clit, lingering so I could feel his erratic breath on my moist skin. He moved himself over me, his clothes long forgotten, and I could feel his hardness barely touching me where I wanted him most. He brought his lips to mine silently saying what words could not. He grazed my entrance, his dark eyes boring into mine. I'd never wanted anything so much in my life.

He slid into me slowly. I could feel each ripple and vein as he filled me completely. I never wanted to feel the void of not completely consuming Jacob again. His thrusts began careful at first, trying to draw out each ounce of pleasure he could. I couldn't keep track of anything but my nails on his back and my heels around his waist pulling him closer. Each stroke and pulse of Jacob inside of me brought me closer. Closer to the edge, closer to him. Each kiss ignited every nerve on fire.

Lost in the frenzied dance within Jacob and I's body, I didn't realize I was so close to coming until I couldn't catch my breath. He brought his lips to my ear and whispered, "Come with me Bella." A feral scream escaped my mouth as I felt him jerk violently inside of me. Shuddering I dug my hands into his hair and locked eyes with Jacob.

We laid there not moving our eyes from each other for an eternity. Our breathing became more regular and the sweat began to cool on our bodies. My nerves were still standing on edge when he rolled over and crushed me to his chest, running his strong hands up and down my bare back. Unable to speak, I hoped my lips would convey what my words could not as I brought them to his chiseled chest. I was only complete in his arms.

A/N: I know, this was way late coming. I'm sorry, truly. I wrote three other chapters tonight, of course they don't match up with this one. I'm working on it. One day I'll be able to upload about four chapters at a time. It'll be worth the wait, I promise. Thank you for the reviews and support. I love you guys.

I just realized I've never done a disclaimer, so here it is. I don't own anything. :)


	18. Humanity

Chapter 18: Humanity

I woke up early on Sunday before Jacob. I hoped to sneak downstairs and have breakfast ready for him as a surprise. He slept like the dead, but you could never be too careful when food was involved, it was a sixth werewolf sense. I went into the kitchen, turned on the coffee pot and began gathering things for eggs and pancakes. I'd always enjoyed cooking, I enjoyed it even more now knowing that something as simple as pancakes could make Jacob so happy.

I threw the batter together and knew I'd have some time before the griddle was hot enough to flip them so I walked to the front door to retrieve the Sunday morning news paper. Being the editor, I knew what all the stories said, but Jacob always enjoyed reading with his coffee. His comments on the "superior editing" always made me swell with pride, even if I knew he only said it because he was dating me. I bent down to pick up the paper only to find a thick manila envelope beneath it. In familiar, flowing script was my name. No return address or stamp, but there didn't need to be. I knew who's handwriting this belonged to.

My hand shook as I reached for the envelope. I held it in my hands trying to will my mind into making them open the envelope. A million scenarios ran through my mind as to why now I was being contacted. It had been years, not a single phone call or letter. Someone could be in trouble, left, died... Anything was possible.

There were days I had convinced myself that it was all just a very elaborate dream. I was able to overlook the heartache and just see the parts were everyone was happy. Most days, I preferred it that way. I had been happy as part of the Cullens, particularly before my 18th birthday. I had a fairytale love, the kind of things most people only dream about. It was so easy to look past all of my fears and what drove me away and only see the magic.

But this struck me to my very core that there was currently an envelope sitting on my front porch, on a Sunday when there was no postal service. I knew Edward had a tendency to be over cautious when it came to my well being but I never gotten the feeling that I was being followed or watched. A strong sense of shamed washed over me. I was still married and had been shacking up with another man. What was between Jacob and I was nothing but honest and pure but knowing that Edward knew made me feel cheap. This was wrong.

As scared as I was to open the envelop, it was imperative that I did. A million different things could have gone wrong. It had to be something huge for him to decide to contact me after all these years. With a shaking hand I reached down to pick up the envelop. My legs buckled under me and I slide down the door frame. I carefully slid a finger under the flap of the envelop and began to open it. I closed my eyes as I pulled out a stack of papers. I took a few slow breaths to calm myself. _Come on Bella, it can't be that bad. If it was urgent don't you think they would have came to see you directly? _

I finally found the courage to look. Legal papers. I stared at them for a full five minutes before I was able to comprehend what they said. Blah blah, State of Washington, blah blah, my full name, annulment. Divorce papers. I had been served divorce papers.

I thumbed through them carelessly. He could have been asking for the rights to everything I owed and it wouldn't have mattered. He had finally moved on. There was yellow highlighter on the lines in which I needed to sign. I knew instantly that I would sign them. I didn't need to read over the document. The Cullens had never done anything to intentionally hurt me before, this would be no different.

Divorced. I never thought it would happen to me. Renee and Charlie hadn't stayed together very long. Ever since I was a little girl I knew I never wanted to be in the position Charlie and Renee were. When I got married I wanted to be absolutely sure we were compatible in every way. In fact, they actually lasted longer than Edward and I. If that isn't an epic failure, I don't know what is. Any tie I could claim to the Cullens was officially severed.

I hadn't even noticed that I had started crying until the teardrops appeared on the papers. I couldn't even explain why. I love Jacob. I love him with all of my heart. I knew deep in my heart I didn't want to go back to Edward, even though in my loneliest times I allowed myself to fantasize about him. I would often wonder where he was or what he was doing. In college I found myself wanting his approval and validation for my decisions Even though I had left him, I still loved him and missed him. But the papers in my hand erased any connection the two of us had.

Jacob had been standing at the door for a few minutes before I realized that I had an audience. It was only then that I could smell the distinct scent of burning pancakes that it occurred to me I had neglected the kitchen. I rose to take care of it when Jacob stopped me.

"I turned off the stove. It'll be a crispy mess to clean up but otherwise no harm done." Jacob explained. "What's all of that?"

An alarm went off in my head. Jacob and I avoided talking about the Cullens like they were the plague. I know he still harbored some resentment towards their involvement with my life. Things would have undoubtably gone differently with Jacob and I had it not been for them. That's not to say their existence had been a burden, at least in my eyes. I see my time with them as a very defining moment in my life. Jacob has very different feelings, the word leech comes to mind...

"I got a letter." I replied simply. He frowned at me.

"I can see that Bella. Who's it from?"

"A lawyer. They are some legal documents." I said. It was true, just not the whole truth. Unfortunately for me, Jacob wasn't buying it.

"Let me see." He said as he reached down and took them from my hands. Being the coward that I am, I let him. It was easier to let him see for himself than to argue with him about the Cullens contacting me. The word 'Cullen' was sure to send him into a fit of rage. At least this way he was going to get to the proper conclusion a little faster.

He looked them over much more carefully than I had. I was more interested in watching his face than trying to read the papers over his shoulder. He appeared to be struggling with his reaction.

"Bells, these are divorce papers." He said calmly as he flipped through them.

"I know." Was all I could reply.

"Did you look through all of this?" He questioned.

"Not really. I know what they are. I know what they'll do. What else is there to it?" I asked.

"Well, there's a letter for one..." He trailed off. His eyes already skimming the letter.

A letter? I hadn't seen that. My stomach began tying itself in knots. In my mind, there was only one person that letter could be from. Perhaps he wanted to give me an explanation as to why now. Perhaps there was someone else. My head began swimming.

"Let me see it." I replied, keeping my voice unnaturally steady.

Jacob handed it over and gave me an encouraging look. I prepared for the worst.

_Dear Bella, _

_I know I'm the last person you expected to hear from, especially in light of recent events. I know we were never close, as far as family goes, and I am truly sorry for that. Despite what you may think, I would have been honored to have you for a sister. You made my brother happy and for that I am grateful. _

_I don't want you to feel guilty for leaving, none of us recent or blame you for that, and I do mean none of us. You have a beautiful opportunity for something the rest of us never will. Embrace your humanity Bella. Enjoy all the things in life that we cannot. Grow old, marry, have children. Do it for yourself because you deserve to truly live your life. Please don't worry about what we think. All any of us wanted was what was best for you. We may have had differences on what that was but you figured it out in the end. You'll always be my sister and I am happy for you, whatever path you choose. Be sure that you make it a choice, because you have that freedom._

_Be happy. _

_Your sister, _

_Rosalie Hale_

Strangled tears ran down my cheeks as I collapsed into Jacob's arms. I knew I was being ridiculous. I had made this choice years ago. I shouldn't have expected anything else. "I'm a divorcee. Damaged goods" I said through my tears.

Jacob chuckled. "A beautiful divorcee. I'm honored to be able to call you my own. You could never be damaged goods Bella."

"Are you going to be ok, Bella? Is this what you want?" Jacob asked carefully. He was trying hard to keep the pain out of his voice but I knew better.

"Of course Jacob. I left him years ago. I made that choice. I'm just being... silly. It's weird to have this chapter of my life so formally closed." I shrugged.

"I can imagine." Jacob said comfortingly. I knew it was difficult for him to see me cry over another man for the millionth time in our lives. I've never been so grateful for his undying love and devotion towards me.

I was positive I wasn't crying over the loss of my marriage. I had thrown that away years ago. I was upset that my fairytale, however deviated it had become, had officially come to an end. I cried for the loss of my second family, even though I hadn't spoken to them in years. It was silly, absolutely absurd. I decided to let myself cry out all of the confusion of emotions running rapid through my system and never look back. He continued to cradle me in his arms and sooth me until the tears ceased.

I looked up at Jacob and saw a bemusing look on his face. It was almost as though he was fighting to keep some sort of satisfaction from surfacing. He caught me looking at him and quickly composed himself.

"Jake, what were you thinking just then?" I almost dreaded the answer. It was no secret that he had longed to finally "win" against Edward.

He looked flustered and almost embarrassed that I had caught him. "I'm not trying to be insensitive Bella, I promise. It's just... do you realize what this means?" He said incredulously.

"Other that I'm divorced, I'm afraid I'm not seeing it Jake." The annoyance crept into my voice and I immediately hated myself for it.

"No Bells, it's nothing like that." He replied quickly, obviously catching on to my though process about his competitive nature. "I always knew you were still married to him. I know that you keep your wedding ring in the drawer by the bed. We hadn't ever really talked about it but I assumed that you were holding on to those things just in case he came back. This makes you _mine_, Bella."

The way the word _mine _rolled off his lips gave me butterflies in my stomach and ignited a fire in my heart. I couldn't imagine being upset at closing that part of my life when I had such an amazing man standing in front of me. He wasn't being smug or doing a victory dance. I didn't blame or resent him for thinking like that. Jacob had waited so long for me. It was incredibly selfish of me to stay married to Edward in the first place. I was in love with Jacob Black.

All doubts had been erased from my mind. "Jake, would you mind getting me a black pen?" I asked confidently.

Realization spread across his face and he practically sprinted into the house. I could hear him rummaging through my purse and I just smiled. Jacob and I could start over. It was just the two of us. I would be able to legally sever myself from my uncertainty and demons. He came back out onto the porch with more composure.

"Bella, you don't have to do this right now if you aren't ready. I understand this is sudden." He said cautiously.

"No, Jake. I've put this off long enough. I've chosen you. This is right." I said with my voice full of conviction. I quickly found the highlighted lines and wrote my name "Isabella Marie Cullen" something I hadn't written in ages. I smiled to myself. "That'll be the last time I ever write that name."

Jacob gave me a million dollar smile and pulled me in close. He made a move to direct us back into the house when I stopped him. I knelt down and picked up the manila envelope and placed all of the legal papers back inside. I stuck the note from Rosalie in my pocket and placed the envelope back in the center of my porch. I had no way of contacting the Cullens, no return address, but I knew the papers would find their way back.

Confusion spread across Jacob's face and then a flash of anger. Obviously someone would be back to pick the papers up. "Jake, would you mind if we stayed at your place tonight?"

He immediately stopped trembling and kissed the top of my head. "Bells, nothing would make me happier."

**A/N:** Sorry, I take the LSAT on Saturday, I've been neglecting. However, I'm now the beta for a Paul/Rachel story called "Absolutely Absurd" by TwilightHeart21. It's pretty awesome, you should check it out and leave her some love. I love me some wolf pack stories. Leave me a review and let me know what you think. I hope I did alright with this chapter, I've been planning it since the beginning. I know where this is going, it'll get darker, this is your last chance to request happy moments between Bella and Jacob. I'd love to hear them.


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